crazy existential stuff

About 15 or 16 years ago (seems strange to say that) I was going through some crazy existential stuff, but I decided that the answer I was looking for was just to start living. I really hadn't lived at all up to that point-- sheltered by my parents, looking at life pretty much through their eyes and experiences.
All the reading I did on Zen and everything else told me I had to start simply living. That was the quest I embarked upon. Just living, checking out life. The whole writing thing is something I also put on the shelf, because I didn't think I had anything to talk about. I hadn"t really lived yet, so what story did I have to tell?
Having just been living---sometimes well, a lot of times absent-mindedly---is part of what I've been doing. The outward part, at least, trying to look busy doing all those things I thought I should have been doing. The meditation practice and all that other stuff, I dropped somewhere along the way as being superfluous to the task at hand.
I missed the point of being awake--I rushed headlong into life, with my eyes clenched shut. Caught up in daydreaming, thinking that I was living--but not feeling or really experiencing the whole thing. I don't really want to live, I'd just like to see the film version.
And I don't want to have to deal with real issues or situations, I like to gloss over all that as well--Bedahbin says she can see me shut down and my eyes glaze when I encounter anything I find uncomfortable.
The whole spiritual thing is hard work. Really hard. And then all the other stuff in your life is still there, needing your attention. None of it magically disappears.
I work because I have to, but I don't take enough time to do things for my spiritual side. That's why pow wows and ceremonies, and now the Dhammasala are so important to me. Beth's cousin, Mzkogiizhik, does a lot of work with the Northern Cree and other folks and I think we might start getting involved with that as well.
Exposure to the culture and some of the processes, whether its skinning a moose or building a sweat lodge numerous other things connects us to our ancestors. Experiencing these activities at a deep level, behind speech, beyond concepts, is the aim . . . I was going somewhere with this, really---