amidst the clutter and chaos

Amidst the clutter and chaos of our lives, we try to sweep away the madness left to us by our parents, our families. I need to show my children a better way, but I’m drowning under the weight of my addictions and insecurities. I feel so unclean with the filth of my actions, my lies, all done for self-preservation but it has only aided in creating more self-hate. I am repelled and attracted by my own reflection in the mirror—my dark brown arms that appear to be shrinking into my trunk, all white and rounded by age and laziness.
I want to blame the environment, my coworkers, for destroying everything that was important to me, but how much of the blame belongs to me? I cannot say I even know who I am, what I believe in anymore. I thought my values, my mores, all helped me to weather the storm for this long, but the sails are now in tatters and the ship is taking on water quickly. She is no longer seaworthy and there is no sign of landfall.
I cannot help but feel that I have let them all down—my children, my wife, my family. I wish I could stave off my anger, my fear, my paranoia but they are slowly creeping upon me, overtaking my psyche more and more every day. I snap and scowl at the slightest provocation and then wonder why the toddler does the same thing.
Rodents are overrunning my garage, tearing into the trash, the old useless couch, stuffed animals unstuffed by sharp teeth and claws. I feel helpless to stem the tide and the clutter that attracted them to begin with is increasing at an exponential rate. Broken toys are strewn about, half-finished projects lying around . . .