so out of reach

the depth of loneliness,
sitting with your family,
sitting with those that you share the same blood,
and feeling so foreign,
like a falang,
a chimookiman,
a zhaagnosh,
amongst your blood and kin.
where have i gone,
what has happened,
how long did i sleep,
just seems like yesterday,
we were here and the binojiinhs were just little,
what the hell happened,
what did i miss,
what should i do?
tell me what to do,
and i'll do it,
what do i need to fix,
and i'll fix it,
i never abandoned you,
i had to strengthen my resolve,
i had to go out into the world,
to work for zhooniya,
for miijiim,
nothing else,
nothing more.
lost my soul in the process,
lost my family,
lost my wife,
lost my "self",
what more do i do,
what can i do,
what do i do?
the days of slicing myself up,
with razor blades,
or whatever,
are long behind me,
do i destroy the self,
with endless rounds at the bar,
barfly addicted to falsehood,
or do i drink alone,
killing my liver,
killing my future,
killing myself?
i asked you,
i asked you for help,
i wasn't kidding,
please help me,
because i can't help myself,
if you don't care enough to even read this,
why should i try to live,
why why why,
don't tell me the binojiinhs,
don't tell me just that,
it's you that i need,
it's you that's so far gone,
so out of reach . . .