all those important moments

anger as energy,
destruction condensed,
seeds of my undoing,
generations of self-loathing,
father-tortured/estranged,
while his father sits at the table,
drinking his coffee,
voiceless to the passing of days,
where has he gone,
what has he done,
grandfather-help us,
forsaken for all these generations,
share what little is left,
our yesterdays echoing into tomorrow,
boundaries and borders,
is what they crave,
there is nothing left to learn,
expect our possible multiple endings,
so i too sit soundless,
staring into imagined yesterdays,
rendered useless by hate,
living on and battling,
nothing left except my inner self,
sheltered behind vacant eyes,
ponder all the possibilities,
nothing but this moment is real,
where was I in all those important moments,
acting out of fear and anger,
rendering myself useless.