-Apologies to PHD
(this was the first thing i've written in a long time)
B's mom got the kids an electric guitar and a little amp last month--
it's a 3/4 size, i think the whole set-up only cost $120 or so, but still works just fine, i play almost everyday, just started reading guitar tabs (short-hand musical notation) been playing around with the Hammer On and Palm Mute,
my two latest things...
still only playing one string at a time, tho-- have to get a tuner this weekend... the upper strings sound way too tinny, tried tuning by ear, but hasn't worked out. I downloaded some Rolling Stones and Beatles tabs, but haven't had a chance to play around with them yet.
some of my fav songs are pretty uncomplicated---at least the main riffs--i've been working on this one from Dinosaur, Jr. and the main riff is only two chords...
e -------------x-x----------------------------------------------------l
G -------------x-x------------------2--------------------------------l
B -------------x-x----------------3---3------------------------------l
D -------------x-x------0--------------------------------------------l
A --------3-2-x-x-0-0------------------2----0-0-0-3-3-3------l
E -------------x-x----------------------------------------------------l
kind of disappointed for some reason, not sure why-- a bit of a letdown-- kind of like the first time you have S-E-X--"is that it? sheez, i thought there was more to it..." but of course, once you start practicing more and get better, it becomes exciting again...
not much going on-- oh, Hap McCue passed away the other day--- Anishinabemowin (Ojibwe/Odawa/Potawatomi) lnaguage teacher at UofM-- his star sudent was Heismann winner Desmond Howard--
I was all pissy thE other day and E says to me,
"DADDY! why you so angly? Everything's O.K. with the world. Everybody's fine. So don't be mad, O.K.?"
almost made me cry...
E's favorite song is Smoke on the Water, which is really easy---
e ---------------------------------l
B ---------------------------------l
G ---------------------------------l
D -------4-7-9--4-7-10-9-----------l
A -------4-7-9--4-7-10-9-----------l
E -------2-5-7--2-5-8-7------------l
I cheat and play it like this, only on one string:
still sounds alright, just not quite as full-
BUT it sounds the best like this---this is just the bass line, which dominates on the recording
e -----------------------------------l
B -----------------------------------l
G -----------------------------------l
D -----------------------------------l
A -----------------------------------l
E -----0-3-5----0-3-6s5--------------l
kind of wish i had started a long time ago---fun, but also very relaxing for me--
i just pluck away for an hour or so, forget about whatever for a short while...
the two older kids both read music, so they can play better than me already. maybe we'll start a band or something--
OOOOhhhh--I bought a guitar tuner yesterday--WOW...what a difference!!
3.08.2008
frozen walkabout
knew you were right about the time being wrong
not saying anything different one way or the other
just living with whatever it is as it is
but so hard to not stop and wonder
so i'll just shut up and keep going
can't feel my fingers face has gone numb
15 degrees not even considering windchill
needed to quiet everything else just a bit
had just me to myself for a couple of hours
skating my way homeward on city sidewalks
just wouldn't really work out any other way
whatever it is i'm carrying would grow tiresome
hating me like all the rest after awhile
punishing and blaming even though i know
the problem has always been internal
just leave it and don't think on it again
making mountains out of absolutely nothing
so go on and do what you've been
strength and vision never my strong suit
not sure what is but maybe its still something
clicking and sparking even after everything
so it goes maybe as it should
but if you change your mind let me know
but not going to push it either way
ride it out and see where it goes
either way i think we both know
even if i can't tell you so
even if i mentioned it in passing
out of reach but within sight
everything else ruined by my needing
so i'll pretend that i can walk away
although i want you to ask me to stay
our stars crossed from the very beginning
don't feel i deserve it any other way
karma coming back to bite me
not sure if this lifetime or the ones before
so i suck it up and do what i can
probably full of shit just the same
so let's leave it at that just for now
not going to ask you otherwise
but i would if i could
if i had been born under another sign
if i could stop destroying myself
just the way that it goes
at least this time around
two hours and seven miles
and still stuck in the same place
feet swollen thighs reddened
frozen walkabout from L-town
back to the same spot i started.
not saying anything different one way or the other
just living with whatever it is as it is
but so hard to not stop and wonder
so i'll just shut up and keep going
can't feel my fingers face has gone numb
15 degrees not even considering windchill
needed to quiet everything else just a bit
had just me to myself for a couple of hours
skating my way homeward on city sidewalks
just wouldn't really work out any other way
whatever it is i'm carrying would grow tiresome
hating me like all the rest after awhile
punishing and blaming even though i know
the problem has always been internal
just leave it and don't think on it again
making mountains out of absolutely nothing
so go on and do what you've been
strength and vision never my strong suit
not sure what is but maybe its still something
clicking and sparking even after everything
so it goes maybe as it should
but if you change your mind let me know
but not going to push it either way
ride it out and see where it goes
either way i think we both know
even if i can't tell you so
even if i mentioned it in passing
out of reach but within sight
everything else ruined by my needing
so i'll pretend that i can walk away
although i want you to ask me to stay
our stars crossed from the very beginning
don't feel i deserve it any other way
karma coming back to bite me
not sure if this lifetime or the ones before
so i suck it up and do what i can
probably full of shit just the same
so let's leave it at that just for now
not going to ask you otherwise
but i would if i could
if i had been born under another sign
if i could stop destroying myself
just the way that it goes
at least this time around
two hours and seven miles
and still stuck in the same place
feet swollen thighs reddened
frozen walkabout from L-town
back to the same spot i started.
2.20.2008
brotherman
brother man,
half a country away,
me in the frozen north,
you down there in the desert,
did i mention how good it is to hear from you?
i'm struggling with myself,
and my other half,
searching for the answers,
on the frets of my guitar,
over turf you've probabally covered before,
trying to act so strong for all these years,
i'm just a scared little kid,
standing at a party store counter,
on the corner of 8-mile and mound,
trying to buy cigarettes for my friends,
just wanna be liked like everyone else.
what the hell you want, kid?
just shut up and give me some smokes,
some beer...
please, just shut up, i ask with my eyes...
but you know what it's like,
to be surrounded but so alone,
staring through the bullet-proof glass,
risking everything that i never had,
just to be accepted for a moment.
how the hell did it all come to this,
what i've seen what i've done,
nothing much seems to matter any more,
haven't i given up enough?
watching my grams and uncles waste away,
on betel-nut and a heroin daze,
watched mom take the punches,
watched dad drink away his yesterdays and tomorrows,
i cy every time i hear a Motown song,
promises of what never was...
people like us,
what do we ever really deserve,
a warm dry corner to fall asleep,
filling our pillows with our sobs,
teardrops silently staining the sheets,
cockroaches on the walls,
a city falling apart beyond,
no one caring other than caseworkers,
but they're there just to draw that paycheck.
so now what do i do 25 years after the fact,
living the same lie as ever before,
walk out on my kids and say goodbye?
shrug off my responsibilities just because,
living in hell because that's what i chose,
never good enough for anything except,
so what do i do now that the chips have all fallen?
sit here and play my guitar,
pretend that none of this was my fault,
keep on dreaming and pretending,
until this battered mind and body falters,
long for the day when i feed the worms,
dusty decayed body seeps into the ground...
but i just wanted you to know,
it was good to talk to you,
a beacon of light in my ever-growing darkness,
a spark out of nowhere,
an unexpected something from beyond,
but i got nothing else to say,
tell my babies i loved them,
more than any person should or would,
and remind them to live their lives,
in all the ways that daddy never could...
half a country away,
me in the frozen north,
you down there in the desert,
did i mention how good it is to hear from you?
i'm struggling with myself,
and my other half,
searching for the answers,
on the frets of my guitar,
over turf you've probabally covered before,
trying to act so strong for all these years,
i'm just a scared little kid,
standing at a party store counter,
on the corner of 8-mile and mound,
trying to buy cigarettes for my friends,
just wanna be liked like everyone else.
what the hell you want, kid?
just shut up and give me some smokes,
some beer...
please, just shut up, i ask with my eyes...
but you know what it's like,
to be surrounded but so alone,
staring through the bullet-proof glass,
risking everything that i never had,
just to be accepted for a moment.
how the hell did it all come to this,
what i've seen what i've done,
nothing much seems to matter any more,
haven't i given up enough?
watching my grams and uncles waste away,
on betel-nut and a heroin daze,
watched mom take the punches,
watched dad drink away his yesterdays and tomorrows,
i cy every time i hear a Motown song,
promises of what never was...
people like us,
what do we ever really deserve,
a warm dry corner to fall asleep,
filling our pillows with our sobs,
teardrops silently staining the sheets,
cockroaches on the walls,
a city falling apart beyond,
no one caring other than caseworkers,
but they're there just to draw that paycheck.
so now what do i do 25 years after the fact,
living the same lie as ever before,
walk out on my kids and say goodbye?
shrug off my responsibilities just because,
living in hell because that's what i chose,
never good enough for anything except,
so what do i do now that the chips have all fallen?
sit here and play my guitar,
pretend that none of this was my fault,
keep on dreaming and pretending,
until this battered mind and body falters,
long for the day when i feed the worms,
dusty decayed body seeps into the ground...
but i just wanted you to know,
it was good to talk to you,
a beacon of light in my ever-growing darkness,
a spark out of nowhere,
an unexpected something from beyond,
but i got nothing else to say,
tell my babies i loved them,
more than any person should or would,
and remind them to live their lives,
in all the ways that daddy never could...
tabzzz
Collecting tabs off the net,
At first it all seemed like too much,
What does it all mean,
How am I supposed to read,
What are all these numbers,
All these lines and these letters,
E, B, G, D, A, E,
Oh--those are the strings,
The numbers refer to the frets,
Starting to make some sense,
So I pick away until it sounds right,
Pluck pluck pluck one string at a time,
Or I play chords ever so slowly,
Tabs make it so much simpler,
Some tab for idiots like me,
No chords at all just single notes,
Decided Joy Division was fairly easy,
Transmission begins with the G-string,
2-4-4-2-2-4-4-2 or is it 2-4-4-4-2-4-4-4,
Then jump up to the A-string,
0-2-2-0-0-2-2-0 or 2-0-2-2-2-0-2-2-2,
Every song has numerous interpretations,
Play around with the pattern for awile,
Moved on to the opening riff on Digital,
Two strings this time--the E and A,
Alternating from the 4th and 5th frets,
Hey, that sounds familiar,
Another repeating pattern,
Just like on Ceremony,
Except with the 8th and 10th ,
Now I gotta stop and listen to the song,
Hear how it's paced and listen for pauses,
Callouses forming on my fingertips,
Trying to hammer down and hold the strings,
Amazed by the simplicity,
But how did the greats squeeze so much feeling,
Into these few little notes,
I've got the opening of Hey Hey My My,
But it's got none of the feeling of the original,
I pause longer and turn up the volume,
Still feels empty and without any soul,
But I'm only doing the minimum,
Just playing the main notes and nothing more,
Waiting for it to seep into my bones,
I've started dreaming in music,
Dreaming about tabs and finger placement,
Just rudimentary stuff just the beginning,
Have so far to go but I've started on my journey,
Trying to breathe life into these cold steelstrings,
Trying to lift up my soul to something greater,
For a glimpse of the eternal beyond this moment,
Repeating pattern throughout this life,
Music fills a void which threatens to engulf,
So I'll just keep plugging away,
Plucking and strumming everyday,
Until I hear my voice in the music I play.
At first it all seemed like too much,
What does it all mean,
How am I supposed to read,
What are all these numbers,
All these lines and these letters,
E, B, G, D, A, E,
Oh--those are the strings,
The numbers refer to the frets,
Starting to make some sense,
So I pick away until it sounds right,
Pluck pluck pluck one string at a time,
Or I play chords ever so slowly,
Tabs make it so much simpler,
Some tab for idiots like me,
No chords at all just single notes,
Decided Joy Division was fairly easy,
Transmission begins with the G-string,
2-4-4-2-2-4-4-2 or is it 2-4-4-4-2-4-4-4,
Then jump up to the A-string,
0-2-2-0-0-2-2-0 or 2-0-2-2-2-0-2-2-2,
Every song has numerous interpretations,
Play around with the pattern for awile,
Moved on to the opening riff on Digital,
Two strings this time--the E and A,
Alternating from the 4th and 5th frets,
Hey, that sounds familiar,
Another repeating pattern,
Just like on Ceremony,
Except with the 8th and 10th ,
Now I gotta stop and listen to the song,
Hear how it's paced and listen for pauses,
Callouses forming on my fingertips,
Trying to hammer down and hold the strings,
Amazed by the simplicity,
But how did the greats squeeze so much feeling,
Into these few little notes,
I've got the opening of Hey Hey My My,
But it's got none of the feeling of the original,
I pause longer and turn up the volume,
Still feels empty and without any soul,
But I'm only doing the minimum,
Just playing the main notes and nothing more,
Waiting for it to seep into my bones,
I've started dreaming in music,
Dreaming about tabs and finger placement,
Just rudimentary stuff just the beginning,
Have so far to go but I've started on my journey,
Trying to breathe life into these cold steelstrings,
Trying to lift up my soul to something greater,
For a glimpse of the eternal beyond this moment,
Repeating pattern throughout this life,
Music fills a void which threatens to engulf,
So I'll just keep plugging away,
Plucking and strumming everyday,
Until I hear my voice in the music I play.
2.12.2008
consortium of nameless scribes
Endless days filled with nothing,
Longing and desperation entwined,
Looking for the happy ending,
But know damn well it will never be,
The wanting is the problem,
Acceptance the only option,
Crumbs are all we get,
Just a taste/deserve nothing more.
We dream of having everything,
Want to live like kings and queens,
Blessed at birth by the fates,
But the rest of us living in the gutter,
Freedom just an illusion,
Bound by birth and geography,
Time is our prison/time our undoing,
We stare vacantly at our finite tomorrows.
Anchored by empty tradition,
We have friends to envy/family to loathe,
Bloated with expectation,
Echoes down through the years,
Down even through generations,
There to remind us of emptiness—
In our lives/our selves/our souls,
All tragically flawed from the first.
Endless volumes tell us how to live,
Morality tales for the weak and timid,
False promises and useless dreams,
We all know this to be true,
But we long for the fairy tales,
I find myself chasing after the magical,
Little glimpses and moments of transcendence,
A sound/a smell/a taste of the eternal.
Nothing and no one lasts forever,
To think otherwise is vanity,
But that’s what we want,
To be/to have/to hope and dream,
The everyday struggle muddles all,
Only existential angst nothing more,
My absolutes dissolve into shades of grey,
As I sit and watch my life fade away.
I dream/live lifetimes in a few moments,
See the cycle of off and on,
Death and rebirth in endless succession,
Stuck in an endless loop,
Until nibbhana has been achieved,
Be it literal or figurative,
Or just another illusion,
The absurdity of which awakens.
Craving and clinging to this and that,
People/ideas/places/things/thoughts,
All mind-created and sustained,
Developing over endless eons,
After we crawled out of the primordial ooze,
Or created enmasse via computer program,
A bubble or burp in the infinite cosmos,
Leaving no trace after it bursts.
In the midst of all this we try to live,
Dragging our children into the mess,
Willing or otherwise out of the void,
Hand them our hopes and fears,
Do we cripple or do we strengthen,
Not sure where to draw the line,
Tried hard not to perpetuate the lies,
Try to give everything I never had.
Does human nature ever really change,
Are we just animals with over-sized brains,
Trying to convince ourselves we’re in control,
Traveling down the same beaten paths,
Our stories writ large via Shakespeare,
Or some consortium of nameless scribes,
Tragedies touch me the most,
Bittersweet but so real at the same.
What is worth staying around for,
Love and joy and whatever else,
Things which you can never see,
But just like the wind I know it’s real,
I’m busy living my life for everyone else,
Hoping to become worthy at some point,
Tragically funny somehow just now,
Carrying the same affliction for thirty-plus years.
Longing and desperation entwined,
Looking for the happy ending,
But know damn well it will never be,
The wanting is the problem,
Acceptance the only option,
Crumbs are all we get,
Just a taste/deserve nothing more.
We dream of having everything,
Want to live like kings and queens,
Blessed at birth by the fates,
But the rest of us living in the gutter,
Freedom just an illusion,
Bound by birth and geography,
Time is our prison/time our undoing,
We stare vacantly at our finite tomorrows.
Anchored by empty tradition,
We have friends to envy/family to loathe,
Bloated with expectation,
Echoes down through the years,
Down even through generations,
There to remind us of emptiness—
In our lives/our selves/our souls,
All tragically flawed from the first.
Endless volumes tell us how to live,
Morality tales for the weak and timid,
False promises and useless dreams,
We all know this to be true,
But we long for the fairy tales,
I find myself chasing after the magical,
Little glimpses and moments of transcendence,
A sound/a smell/a taste of the eternal.
Nothing and no one lasts forever,
To think otherwise is vanity,
But that’s what we want,
To be/to have/to hope and dream,
The everyday struggle muddles all,
Only existential angst nothing more,
My absolutes dissolve into shades of grey,
As I sit and watch my life fade away.
I dream/live lifetimes in a few moments,
See the cycle of off and on,
Death and rebirth in endless succession,
Stuck in an endless loop,
Until nibbhana has been achieved,
Be it literal or figurative,
Or just another illusion,
The absurdity of which awakens.
Craving and clinging to this and that,
People/ideas/places/things/thoughts,
All mind-created and sustained,
Developing over endless eons,
After we crawled out of the primordial ooze,
Or created enmasse via computer program,
A bubble or burp in the infinite cosmos,
Leaving no trace after it bursts.
In the midst of all this we try to live,
Dragging our children into the mess,
Willing or otherwise out of the void,
Hand them our hopes and fears,
Do we cripple or do we strengthen,
Not sure where to draw the line,
Tried hard not to perpetuate the lies,
Try to give everything I never had.
Does human nature ever really change,
Are we just animals with over-sized brains,
Trying to convince ourselves we’re in control,
Traveling down the same beaten paths,
Our stories writ large via Shakespeare,
Or some consortium of nameless scribes,
Tragedies touch me the most,
Bittersweet but so real at the same.
What is worth staying around for,
Love and joy and whatever else,
Things which you can never see,
But just like the wind I know it’s real,
I’m busy living my life for everyone else,
Hoping to become worthy at some point,
Tragically funny somehow just now,
Carrying the same affliction for thirty-plus years.
basement stories
Summer mornings found me sleeping in the basement
Dad banging and barking on his way out
Headed into the bowels of the city
I lay dazed staring at white cinder block walls
Cold black tiles under my feet
Cream-colored splashes to break the monotony.
The cool and damp was welcome relief
From the upstairs sweatbox
Only one air conditioner in the house
And that was reserved for mom and dad
The rest of us sweating in our sleep
Windows agape, fans blazing.
Sunlight flooded through the windows
On three sides at ceiling-level
Illuminating the sparsely furnished space
Replete with unused ping-pong table
And furniture that had outlived its usefulness
Expect for the couch that I used as a bed.
My radio sat on the floor to keep me company
Playing scratchy tapes I made from vinyl
Or songs stolen off the airwaves
Then later on I picked up Canadian stations
Pulled from the skies after midnight
Across Detroit’s wasteland and across the river.
I recorded those shows as well
Pressed record and fell asleep
Saved the disc jockey’s accented prattling
Punctuated with angry distorted music
Sights and sounds from far away
From across the oceans or across the plains.
Mornings began with a bowl of Cheerios
And some kind of orange-ish drink
Cold margarine-soaked toast
That dad had left behind
Mom would recite my list of chores
As she darted from room-to-room.
I recall those tasks being horrible
But what did I know in those days
I remember them wasting away my hours
Cleaning up the yard or garage
But there never was much to do
Could finish all those things in no time.
My parents kept everything so uncluttered
Everything in its place just like us
Now my life is the exact opposite
Everything tossed to whatever corner
Cannot even imagine seeing it cleared
Could spend days and weeks digging out.
This winter morning I woke up in the basement
Turned off my alarm just after 6 a.m.
Sleeping down there so I don’t wake everyone
Tripping over the garbage bag and crap
Cold white tiles with black splashes
Shoes and toys littered everywhere.
Squeezed into 720 feet squared
All five mouths counting on me
Sump pump gurgling as I go upstairs
Avoiding shoes in the darkened stairwell
Stepping over the puddles and clothes
A far cry from yesteryear’s forced organization.
Dad banging and barking on his way out
Headed into the bowels of the city
I lay dazed staring at white cinder block walls
Cold black tiles under my feet
Cream-colored splashes to break the monotony.
The cool and damp was welcome relief
From the upstairs sweatbox
Only one air conditioner in the house
And that was reserved for mom and dad
The rest of us sweating in our sleep
Windows agape, fans blazing.
Sunlight flooded through the windows
On three sides at ceiling-level
Illuminating the sparsely furnished space
Replete with unused ping-pong table
And furniture that had outlived its usefulness
Expect for the couch that I used as a bed.
My radio sat on the floor to keep me company
Playing scratchy tapes I made from vinyl
Or songs stolen off the airwaves
Then later on I picked up Canadian stations
Pulled from the skies after midnight
Across Detroit’s wasteland and across the river.
I recorded those shows as well
Pressed record and fell asleep
Saved the disc jockey’s accented prattling
Punctuated with angry distorted music
Sights and sounds from far away
From across the oceans or across the plains.
Mornings began with a bowl of Cheerios
And some kind of orange-ish drink
Cold margarine-soaked toast
That dad had left behind
Mom would recite my list of chores
As she darted from room-to-room.
I recall those tasks being horrible
But what did I know in those days
I remember them wasting away my hours
Cleaning up the yard or garage
But there never was much to do
Could finish all those things in no time.
My parents kept everything so uncluttered
Everything in its place just like us
Now my life is the exact opposite
Everything tossed to whatever corner
Cannot even imagine seeing it cleared
Could spend days and weeks digging out.
This winter morning I woke up in the basement
Turned off my alarm just after 6 a.m.
Sleeping down there so I don’t wake everyone
Tripping over the garbage bag and crap
Cold white tiles with black splashes
Shoes and toys littered everywhere.
Squeezed into 720 feet squared
All five mouths counting on me
Sump pump gurgling as I go upstairs
Avoiding shoes in the darkened stairwell
Stepping over the puddles and clothes
A far cry from yesteryear’s forced organization.
1.25.2008
judgement day
not gonna lie and say i wasn't worried,
all the trust in my attorney,
by not so much the jury,
so much i don't know,
so much outta my control,
spent nearly six hours in court,
after 15 minutes of deliberation,
jury came back with a "not guilty,"
cried like a baby as soon as they left,
so relieved so glad so thankful,
what a waste of time,
had my life held hostage,
so what have i learned?
every minute every hour every day,
a gift from above,
and finally accepted another fact,
for whatever reason i still hate myself,
not worthy/not something,
amer-asian kid growing up over there,
always ashamed never felt the same,
never ever seemed to belong,
but somehow always shifted the blame,
always someone else's problem,
can't even begin to tell,
how much of an ass i've been,
put my family/friends/co-workers through hell.
kept repeating the same mantra,
binojiinhs (my babies),
thought only of them,
sat and listened to so many lies,
only one of them looked me in the eye,
seemed to say WTF!?,
you flipn ass@#$%,
who the hell is this lawyer grilling me,
putting me on trial instead of you,
what the hell have i got myself into,
could see and feel his pain,
just a fraction of what i've felt,
shut up and play the hand you were dealt.
three months of pain and suffering,
i warned you from the start,
told you not to push too far,
but you and they and the powers that be,
for one of the very few times,
things seemed to work out for me,
that attorney used to be a judge,
in the MotorCity/Motown/the Big D,
used to prosecute and now defends in that same court,
one of the very busiest in this great nation,
also had some dude named Harrison Ford,
shadowing him for awhile to see his skills (for "Presumed Innocent")
he left his judgeship so he could pay his bills.
just so happens his daughter is my sister-in-law,
but i gotta tell you that dude is raw,
quiet and cool and seemingly safe,
that sucker ripped out some hearts,
offered it up for one last look,
while the victim still lived,
shock and awe and fighting for breath,
wolf in sheep's clothing just handed you your ass,
that look D.R. gave me was just priceless,
will stay with me until my dying day,
you want some of this/are you for real,
you filthy pig get ready to squeal,
that mofo takes no prisoners.
for once in my life things went my way,
but now i gotta start thinking,
need to make sure to leave yesterday,
back in the rearview where it needs to stay,
so sick of the mess that i've wrought,
owe it to myself and the children,
to fix what i can and move forward,
so much pain/so much damage,
might never ever make it up to my beloved,
need to start tomorrow,
little baby steps at first,
need to love those that love me despite,
all the things i've done and said.
so freaked out about losing my job,
then came suspension without pay,
tried to make sense of it,
tried to blame it all away,
none of that is even now an issue,
charges dismissed/any and all actions withdrawn,
needed to have faith for real,
somehow let it drop/refused to kneel,
gave in to my fears and paranoia,
thank God i got a decent lawyer,
made it all disappear just like that,
like being in a novel by Grisham,
unfortunately this one was non-fiction.
and somehow Rick drove up from Detroit,
pro-bono/refused any kind of payment,
said this dinky little court was just for kicks,
back home he's dealing with a couple of murder cases,
this was just a way to stretch his legs,
see for a moment how the other half lives,
know he came because Mama-issa asked,
me almost in tears asked for her help,
gave her a glimpse of what I'm going through,
put aside whatever differences existed,
called in a favor from the biggest of guns,
hopefully the very last one,
hopefully the last time i go down this path,
somehow averted my own karma's merciless wrath.
all the trust in my attorney,
by not so much the jury,
so much i don't know,
so much outta my control,
spent nearly six hours in court,
after 15 minutes of deliberation,
jury came back with a "not guilty,"
cried like a baby as soon as they left,
so relieved so glad so thankful,
what a waste of time,
had my life held hostage,
so what have i learned?
every minute every hour every day,
a gift from above,
and finally accepted another fact,
for whatever reason i still hate myself,
not worthy/not something,
amer-asian kid growing up over there,
always ashamed never felt the same,
never ever seemed to belong,
but somehow always shifted the blame,
always someone else's problem,
can't even begin to tell,
how much of an ass i've been,
put my family/friends/co-workers through hell.
kept repeating the same mantra,
binojiinhs (my babies),
thought only of them,
sat and listened to so many lies,
only one of them looked me in the eye,
seemed to say WTF!?,
you flipn ass@#$%,
who the hell is this lawyer grilling me,
putting me on trial instead of you,
what the hell have i got myself into,
could see and feel his pain,
just a fraction of what i've felt,
shut up and play the hand you were dealt.
three months of pain and suffering,
i warned you from the start,
told you not to push too far,
but you and they and the powers that be,
for one of the very few times,
things seemed to work out for me,
that attorney used to be a judge,
in the MotorCity/Motown/the Big D,
used to prosecute and now defends in that same court,
one of the very busiest in this great nation,
also had some dude named Harrison Ford,
shadowing him for awhile to see his skills (for "Presumed Innocent")
he left his judgeship so he could pay his bills.
just so happens his daughter is my sister-in-law,
but i gotta tell you that dude is raw,
quiet and cool and seemingly safe,
that sucker ripped out some hearts,
offered it up for one last look,
while the victim still lived,
shock and awe and fighting for breath,
wolf in sheep's clothing just handed you your ass,
that look D.R. gave me was just priceless,
will stay with me until my dying day,
you want some of this/are you for real,
you filthy pig get ready to squeal,
that mofo takes no prisoners.
for once in my life things went my way,
but now i gotta start thinking,
need to make sure to leave yesterday,
back in the rearview where it needs to stay,
so sick of the mess that i've wrought,
owe it to myself and the children,
to fix what i can and move forward,
so much pain/so much damage,
might never ever make it up to my beloved,
need to start tomorrow,
little baby steps at first,
need to love those that love me despite,
all the things i've done and said.
so freaked out about losing my job,
then came suspension without pay,
tried to make sense of it,
tried to blame it all away,
none of that is even now an issue,
charges dismissed/any and all actions withdrawn,
needed to have faith for real,
somehow let it drop/refused to kneel,
gave in to my fears and paranoia,
thank God i got a decent lawyer,
made it all disappear just like that,
like being in a novel by Grisham,
unfortunately this one was non-fiction.
and somehow Rick drove up from Detroit,
pro-bono/refused any kind of payment,
said this dinky little court was just for kicks,
back home he's dealing with a couple of murder cases,
this was just a way to stretch his legs,
see for a moment how the other half lives,
know he came because Mama-issa asked,
me almost in tears asked for her help,
gave her a glimpse of what I'm going through,
put aside whatever differences existed,
called in a favor from the biggest of guns,
hopefully the very last one,
hopefully the last time i go down this path,
somehow averted my own karma's merciless wrath.
1.11.2008
adrienne
not sure why this memory came bubbling up
so many years ago so many lifetimes past
walking towards the shed just off the track
cleaning up before we were done and gone
a flock of green from the lower school
don't even remember who the hell was there
but thats when i first met you
we were all just kids back then
bouncing on the high jump mats
surprised none of us cracked our heads
chatted for a minute realized how young
i was just a boy back then
didn't really even have a clue
thought to myself that i would wait for you
had not much of anything going on
but fate had it otherwise and it never was
even though there were other chances
even though i knew your siblings
then i saw you again that late spring day
asked you if you remembered me
you said yes with a knowing smile
and i collapsed in on myself again
left it right there and walked away
probably nothing important anyway
but maybe you were the one after all
we always wish and wonder
searching for that special someone
to take us above and beyond
to make us forget ourselves
to leave our sordid pasts behind
maybe you were the one
or maybe just one of many
but now we'll never know
maybe you had the answers
i've been searching for all these years
why do you come out of the blue
just to torture me with your memory
why do i keep doing this to myself
the partners we choose seem to fill a void
until one day we're faced with the same choice
until we realize they are only flesh and bone
and the answers multiply anew
i realize that what i'm searching for
might never really exist
and that it's no one's fault but mine
falling into this same old trap all the time
could you have cured me of my failings
could all of this have been avoided
just the pipe dreams of an old man
nevermind, what the hell was i thinking
i have a real life right here
that i'm trying so desperately to forget
i can't even spell anymore it's getting so bad
here i sit longing for that which shall never be. . .
so many years ago so many lifetimes past
walking towards the shed just off the track
cleaning up before we were done and gone
a flock of green from the lower school
don't even remember who the hell was there
but thats when i first met you
we were all just kids back then
bouncing on the high jump mats
surprised none of us cracked our heads
chatted for a minute realized how young
i was just a boy back then
didn't really even have a clue
thought to myself that i would wait for you
had not much of anything going on
but fate had it otherwise and it never was
even though there were other chances
even though i knew your siblings
then i saw you again that late spring day
asked you if you remembered me
you said yes with a knowing smile
and i collapsed in on myself again
left it right there and walked away
probably nothing important anyway
but maybe you were the one after all
we always wish and wonder
searching for that special someone
to take us above and beyond
to make us forget ourselves
to leave our sordid pasts behind
maybe you were the one
or maybe just one of many
but now we'll never know
maybe you had the answers
i've been searching for all these years
why do you come out of the blue
just to torture me with your memory
why do i keep doing this to myself
the partners we choose seem to fill a void
until one day we're faced with the same choice
until we realize they are only flesh and bone
and the answers multiply anew
i realize that what i'm searching for
might never really exist
and that it's no one's fault but mine
falling into this same old trap all the time
could you have cured me of my failings
could all of this have been avoided
just the pipe dreams of an old man
nevermind, what the hell was i thinking
i have a real life right here
that i'm trying so desperately to forget
i can't even spell anymore it's getting so bad
here i sit longing for that which shall never be. . .
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