judgement day

not gonna lie and say i wasn't worried,
all the trust in my attorney,
by not so much the jury,
so much i don't know,
so much outta my control,
spent nearly six hours in court,
after 15 minutes of deliberation,
jury came back with a "not guilty,"
cried like a baby as soon as they left,
so relieved so glad so thankful,
what a waste of time,
had my life held hostage,
so what have i learned?
every minute every hour every day,
a gift from above,
and finally accepted another fact,
for whatever reason i still hate myself,
not worthy/not something,
amer-asian kid growing up over there,
always ashamed never felt the same,
never ever seemed to belong,
but somehow always shifted the blame,
always someone else's problem,
can't even begin to tell,
how much of an ass i've been,
put my family/friends/co-workers through hell.
kept repeating the same mantra,
binojiinhs (my babies),
thought only of them,
sat and listened to so many lies,
only one of them looked me in the eye,
seemed to say WTF!?,
you flipn ass@#$%,
who the hell is this lawyer grilling me,
putting me on trial instead of you,
what the hell have i got myself into,
could see and feel his pain,
just a fraction of what i've felt,
shut up and play the hand you were dealt.
three months of pain and suffering,
i warned you from the start,
told you not to push too far,
but you and they and the powers that be,
for one of the very few times,
things seemed to work out for me,
that attorney used to be a judge,
in the MotorCity/Motown/the Big D,
used to prosecute and now defends in that same court,
one of the very busiest in this great nation,
also had some dude named Harrison Ford,
shadowing him for awhile to see his skills (for "Presumed Innocent")
he left his judgeship so he could pay his bills.
just so happens his daughter is my sister-in-law,
but i gotta tell you that dude is raw,
quiet and cool and seemingly safe,
that sucker ripped out some hearts,
offered it up for one last look,
while the victim still lived,
shock and awe and fighting for breath,
wolf in sheep's clothing just handed you your ass,
that look D.R. gave me was just priceless,
will stay with me until my dying day,
you want some of this/are you for real,
you filthy pig get ready to squeal,
that mofo takes no prisoners.
for once in my life things went my way,
but now i gotta start thinking,
need to make sure to leave yesterday,
back in the rearview where it needs to stay,
so sick of the mess that i've wrought,
owe it to myself and the children,
to fix what i can and move forward,
so much pain/so much damage,
might never ever make it up to my beloved,
need to start tomorrow,
little baby steps at first,
need to love those that love me despite,
all the things i've done and said.
so freaked out about losing my job,
then came suspension without pay,
tried to make sense of it,
tried to blame it all away,
none of that is even now an issue,
charges dismissed/any and all actions withdrawn,
needed to have faith for real,
somehow let it drop/refused to kneel,
gave in to my fears and paranoia,
thank God i got a decent lawyer,
made it all disappear just like that,
like being in a novel by Grisham,
unfortunately this one was non-fiction.
and somehow Rick drove up from Detroit,
pro-bono/refused any kind of payment,
said this dinky little court was just for kicks,
back home he's dealing with a couple of murder cases,
this was just a way to stretch his legs,
see for a moment how the other half lives,
know he came because Mama-issa asked,
me almost in tears asked for her help,
gave her a glimpse of what I'm going through,
put aside whatever differences existed,
called in a favor from the biggest of guns,
hopefully the very last one,
hopefully the last time i go down this path,
somehow averted my own karma's merciless wrath.