Looking for a break,
Looking for a window,
Waiting for my turn,
Which way is he gonna go,
Which way should I roll,
Don’t wanna snake no one,
If it can be helped at all,
Just out here skating and having fun.
Down the bank,
Looks all clear,
Oh crap where’d he come from,
Thought he was going straight,
Doing the same line all the time,
Hitting the far bank and ollies to grind,
But he turned hard right,
Almost out of my line of sight.
Wait--that’s Jamie’s buddy,
Saw him hit that before,
He hits the hubba and ollie’s,
Kills all of his speed,
Makes no sense at all,
Speed sapped when he hits the wall,
So I keep right on going,
Keep right on cruising.
Homeboy yells something from the hubba,
“I thought you were gonna ollie” I reply,
He says something else but not sure,
I hit the wall extra high,
Hit the corner then turn back around,
Didn’t offer any other apology,
Thought the issue was done,
Nothing left to say so I offered none.
But then he tells his boy,
“That dude cut me off,”
“Who, that douche over there?”
Not in front of me,
Not to my face,
But says it in front of my son,
The fruitbooter says to his friend,
The newbie grom from the East End.
I don’t disrespect anyone,
Try like hell just to have fun,
Just there to skate and carve,
Apologize when I can,
Help and give anyone a hand,
Try not to judge or be an ass,
But please don’t waste my time,
By cluttering up all the good lines.
Snake session was in full force,
Well before we even rolled up,
You got something to say,
Say it to my face,
Otherwise shut the hell up,
We’re all just here to skate,
Next time I won’t watch out,
Give you a real reason to hate.
So many people sitting around talking shit,
About that guy there or someone else,
Just cuz they look different,
Or they’re not locals,
Just cuz you or they don’t approve,
Or so afraid of not looking cool,
Give me a flipn break,
All I wanted to do was just skate. . .
7.31.2007
7.22.2007
deadening malaise
Z-man and I headed out in the afternoon,
Just before 1300 hours, not our usual time,
We like going pretty early, or pretty late,
When the parks are emptied or emptying out,
First thing in the morning, or just before sunset,
Since neither of us can skate all that well just yet.
We made a couple of pit stops and chilled,
Drove from place-to-place to check out the scene,
Didn’t get back in until 1730 hours or thereabouts,
Four-and-a-half hours of searching and skating,
Nearest that a bloke like me will ever get to heaven,
The most fun I’ve had since nineteen eighty-seven.
We skated Ranney, checked out the metal ramps in Holt,
Rolled on to Mason’s mini-Team Pain creation,
Then closed out the day with another run at Ranney,
Also built by the House of Pain and their minions,
Twenty-thousand square feet of concrete goodness,
Hubbas and banks and corners and bowled-out bliss.
By the end of the trip we had both padded up,
Didn’t trust the tight corners over at Mason,
Wearing knee pads and wrist guards just in case,
Z-man followed suit after falling on his first run,
We both keep getting faster, pumping higher,
Pushing ourselves until we were both dead tired.
My boy was a little apprehensive at all our stops,
Needs to gain more confidence, has nothing to fear,
So we rolled up on the crowd already in full session,
Giving us funny looks, like I’m not used to that,
But we started rolling and carving right away, hitting it hard,
Most of them chumps was just posing, hardly had any scars.
Dude you got nothing to be ashamed about,
Wanting to skate old man-style with your dad,
We’re skating because we want to-nothing else,
Not trying to impress, not trying to look cool,
Skating for ourselves and the feelings that it instills,
Letting go of all the rest, the bullshit and the bills.
Z-man surprised us both, hit the half-wall and whipped out,
Almost like a slingshot, looked so smooth and fast,
“What the hell was that, what did you just do,
Holy flipn shit lil man, look at you!!”
He flies over the pyramid with plenty of speed,
Smile breaks across his face, as he articulates those knees.
Skateboarding is a lot like life, you get what you give,
Gotta work at this shizz, doesn’t come just like that,
You take your spills, overcome your fears,
Keep on plugging away, do what you do only for you,
Do you really give a flip what other people think,
Or does the slightest disapproval make your heart sink?
You’re just like me, that’s just the way that I am,
Struggling everyday to somehow overcome,
Crippling self-doubt, handed down to me from my father,
You and I stuck in the same boat, lost and afloat,
But together we can find an escape route, find another way,
This is about growing, skating is much more than a game.
Face up to life’s challenges, ride it for what it’s worth,
The biggest obstacle either of us will ever have to face,
Is ourselves, no one else, nothing else,
I want you to live this life to the fullest,
I want you to stop doubting and questioning,
Nothing but for us to live-living life is the only thing.
Question and question and drive your self crazy,
Or listen to me, learn from my mistakes,
When I skate it all falls away, no more questions,
No more to do but to skate, so learn this lesson,
Skating and living become easier day-by-day,
It simply takes me away to a better place.
Sweat-soaked shirts and bloodied elbows,
Tear off the deadening malaise of the everyday,
Clears out the cobwebs and my illusions,
Kills the useless daydreams and mental pollution,
Just grab this life by the horns and ride,
Quiet your mind, let your heart be your guide.
Just before 1300 hours, not our usual time,
We like going pretty early, or pretty late,
When the parks are emptied or emptying out,
First thing in the morning, or just before sunset,
Since neither of us can skate all that well just yet.
We made a couple of pit stops and chilled,
Drove from place-to-place to check out the scene,
Didn’t get back in until 1730 hours or thereabouts,
Four-and-a-half hours of searching and skating,
Nearest that a bloke like me will ever get to heaven,
The most fun I’ve had since nineteen eighty-seven.
We skated Ranney, checked out the metal ramps in Holt,
Rolled on to Mason’s mini-Team Pain creation,
Then closed out the day with another run at Ranney,
Also built by the House of Pain and their minions,
Twenty-thousand square feet of concrete goodness,
Hubbas and banks and corners and bowled-out bliss.
By the end of the trip we had both padded up,
Didn’t trust the tight corners over at Mason,
Wearing knee pads and wrist guards just in case,
Z-man followed suit after falling on his first run,
We both keep getting faster, pumping higher,
Pushing ourselves until we were both dead tired.
My boy was a little apprehensive at all our stops,
Needs to gain more confidence, has nothing to fear,
So we rolled up on the crowd already in full session,
Giving us funny looks, like I’m not used to that,
But we started rolling and carving right away, hitting it hard,
Most of them chumps was just posing, hardly had any scars.
Dude you got nothing to be ashamed about,
Wanting to skate old man-style with your dad,
We’re skating because we want to-nothing else,
Not trying to impress, not trying to look cool,
Skating for ourselves and the feelings that it instills,
Letting go of all the rest, the bullshit and the bills.
Z-man surprised us both, hit the half-wall and whipped out,
Almost like a slingshot, looked so smooth and fast,
“What the hell was that, what did you just do,
Holy flipn shit lil man, look at you!!”
He flies over the pyramid with plenty of speed,
Smile breaks across his face, as he articulates those knees.
Skateboarding is a lot like life, you get what you give,
Gotta work at this shizz, doesn’t come just like that,
You take your spills, overcome your fears,
Keep on plugging away, do what you do only for you,
Do you really give a flip what other people think,
Or does the slightest disapproval make your heart sink?
You’re just like me, that’s just the way that I am,
Struggling everyday to somehow overcome,
Crippling self-doubt, handed down to me from my father,
You and I stuck in the same boat, lost and afloat,
But together we can find an escape route, find another way,
This is about growing, skating is much more than a game.
Face up to life’s challenges, ride it for what it’s worth,
The biggest obstacle either of us will ever have to face,
Is ourselves, no one else, nothing else,
I want you to live this life to the fullest,
I want you to stop doubting and questioning,
Nothing but for us to live-living life is the only thing.
Question and question and drive your self crazy,
Or listen to me, learn from my mistakes,
When I skate it all falls away, no more questions,
No more to do but to skate, so learn this lesson,
Skating and living become easier day-by-day,
It simply takes me away to a better place.
Sweat-soaked shirts and bloodied elbows,
Tear off the deadening malaise of the everyday,
Clears out the cobwebs and my illusions,
Kills the useless daydreams and mental pollution,
Just grab this life by the horns and ride,
Quiet your mind, let your heart be your guide.
7.19.2007
bittersweet
Bittersweet bittersweet,
Life is much too much of that,
Always too much or not enough,
Never ever quite what you want,
But I’m not asking for anything,
Not just now, not just yet.
Whatever did I give to them,
Nameless ones, faded into yesterday,
Faceless and barren, nothing at all,
Got what they deserved,
And deservedly so just the same,
But nothing was ever really there.
And whatever else I have given,
To you or just about anyone,
Is never offered without some strings,
Trying to change that, trying to try,
Too stuck on this self, on this life,
But that too will change over time.
I just do not know about much right now,
Just going to float along,
Hope it all works out in the end,
Too much damage done,
No questions no answers,
Never ever anything concrete.
Words to make sense,
Words to quantify,
Just a few quick words,
But they seem to multiply,
Cluttering up the tone and meaning,
Not sure if to confuse myself or someone else.
Like a moth to a flame,
Drawn by the danger,
Drawn by the warmth,
Enjoying the bitter moreso,
Than even the sweet,
All else silenced.
Life is much too much of that,
Always too much or not enough,
Never ever quite what you want,
But I’m not asking for anything,
Not just now, not just yet.
Whatever did I give to them,
Nameless ones, faded into yesterday,
Faceless and barren, nothing at all,
Got what they deserved,
And deservedly so just the same,
But nothing was ever really there.
And whatever else I have given,
To you or just about anyone,
Is never offered without some strings,
Trying to change that, trying to try,
Too stuck on this self, on this life,
But that too will change over time.
I just do not know about much right now,
Just going to float along,
Hope it all works out in the end,
Too much damage done,
No questions no answers,
Never ever anything concrete.
Words to make sense,
Words to quantify,
Just a few quick words,
But they seem to multiply,
Cluttering up the tone and meaning,
Not sure if to confuse myself or someone else.
Like a moth to a flame,
Drawn by the danger,
Drawn by the warmth,
Enjoying the bitter moreso,
Than even the sweet,
All else silenced.
mantra
I am not sure when it all started,
But I recall the switch from Lao to English,
Sometime before age six,
Translating from one language to the other,
In my mind, under my breath.
Little things that I would tell myself,
Pathetic mantras intoned to vacant gods,
Give me this, give me that,
Something about kissing the girls,
Something about whatever else.
Some strange coping mechanism,
Picked up somewhere along the way,
Dealing with the women in my life,
Abandoned and left alone,
At age four, in far northeastern Isaan.
At the edge of the foothills,
At the edge of the rice fields,
A day’s walk from the Mekong,
Often left alone, relying on someone else,
Mantras to gods long dead and gone.
So now what lies do I tell myself,
In the middle of the night,
Or early in the morning at first light,
What mantras fill my mouth,
What words fill my mind?
For a time it was the names of girlfriends,
Or those I had wished to be,
Fondled and manipulated by my tongue,
Invoking their names, crying for help,
Asking for deliverance from who knows what.
Then my children, center-most in my mind,
For years after they were born,
Every breath, every thought devoted to them,
But now as the years fly by,
There is nothing left inside.
The mantras have fallen away,
Nothing left for me to say,
No more delusions in which to believe,
The voices inside have fallen silent,
Choking on my words and beer-soaked tongue,
There is nothing left to say nothing else to say . . .
But I recall the switch from Lao to English,
Sometime before age six,
Translating from one language to the other,
In my mind, under my breath.
Little things that I would tell myself,
Pathetic mantras intoned to vacant gods,
Give me this, give me that,
Something about kissing the girls,
Something about whatever else.
Some strange coping mechanism,
Picked up somewhere along the way,
Dealing with the women in my life,
Abandoned and left alone,
At age four, in far northeastern Isaan.
At the edge of the foothills,
At the edge of the rice fields,
A day’s walk from the Mekong,
Often left alone, relying on someone else,
Mantras to gods long dead and gone.
So now what lies do I tell myself,
In the middle of the night,
Or early in the morning at first light,
What mantras fill my mouth,
What words fill my mind?
For a time it was the names of girlfriends,
Or those I had wished to be,
Fondled and manipulated by my tongue,
Invoking their names, crying for help,
Asking for deliverance from who knows what.
Then my children, center-most in my mind,
For years after they were born,
Every breath, every thought devoted to them,
But now as the years fly by,
There is nothing left inside.
The mantras have fallen away,
Nothing left for me to say,
No more delusions in which to believe,
The voices inside have fallen silent,
Choking on my words and beer-soaked tongue,
There is nothing left to say nothing else to say . . .
gone
Gone gone it’s gone,
No longer there,
Nothing left inside,
Feel so empty,
No need to bother anymore.
Was it ever there,
Or did I just imagine it,
Just now realizing,
Just now accepting,
That nothing is there.
Can’t mourn for what never was,
Just an illusion,
Just a dream,
Never meant anything,
Empty of all form.
Wanted so much to believe,
But for what,
For its own sake,
Or does believing make it easier,
To wake up in the mornings?
Whatever the reason,
Whatever was ever the point,
It all just is,
No inherent meaning,
There is no flipn point.
Life begets life,
Nothing more,
Nothing less,
At least for now,
And for eons more.
No meaning,
Nothing but matter,
No mind,
No more nothing,
Until the end of time.
No longer there,
Nothing left inside,
Feel so empty,
No need to bother anymore.
Was it ever there,
Or did I just imagine it,
Just now realizing,
Just now accepting,
That nothing is there.
Can’t mourn for what never was,
Just an illusion,
Just a dream,
Never meant anything,
Empty of all form.
Wanted so much to believe,
But for what,
For its own sake,
Or does believing make it easier,
To wake up in the mornings?
Whatever the reason,
Whatever was ever the point,
It all just is,
No inherent meaning,
There is no flipn point.
Life begets life,
Nothing more,
Nothing less,
At least for now,
And for eons more.
No meaning,
Nothing but matter,
No mind,
No more nothing,
Until the end of time.
7.16.2007
anyone there?
hello?
anyone there?
were-panda?
where oh where?
hey KH--,
you still there?
you know that Team Pain park,
over in Jax?
well,
it's the spitting image of my beloved Ranney,
so when you coming,
when you gonna skate?
how big are the boys,
are they ready to grind,
to drop in,
to do that sucker right?
if so,
i'll let DaveCampbell know,
that muther-luver can skate like you can't believe,
what is he now,
like forty-six or sumthing?
and hey,
i ran into AllyGrabel,
who you probably know,
skateboarding homegirl,
from back in the day,
well she's still at it,
but now driving Lexus,
but i'll fill you in with all the rest,
and i saw Morgan not too long ago,
i'll tell his lazy ass to get up to town,
won't be a problem once he knows you'll be around.
can you believe his boy is already sixteen?
seems like just yesterday,
he was laying in my arms,
no more than six months old,
fell in love with that fucker right there,
and now he's a flippn junior in high school,
what the fuckin fuck, man?!
where did all the time go?
i miss you bro--
we gotta hang,
call up Clarence,
Simon and the rest of the gang,
these bitches are driving me crazy,
need to talk with some homies,
need to smoke up,
wind down,
where the fuck is Marc>?
that muther-luver was the best,
had all the good shizz,
musically and otherwise,
that som-bitch opened my eyes,
so where is he these wretched days,
where you at MC?
what the fuck?
i got me some babies and not a hella lot,
but bitch,
i'm keeping it real,
too real for me even to deal,
but until someone show me a better way,
this is how i'll spend the remainder of my motherfucking days.
anyone there?
were-panda?
where oh where?
hey KH--,
you still there?
you know that Team Pain park,
over in Jax?
well,
it's the spitting image of my beloved Ranney,
so when you coming,
when you gonna skate?
how big are the boys,
are they ready to grind,
to drop in,
to do that sucker right?
if so,
i'll let DaveCampbell know,
that muther-luver can skate like you can't believe,
what is he now,
like forty-six or sumthing?
and hey,
i ran into AllyGrabel,
who you probably know,
skateboarding homegirl,
from back in the day,
well she's still at it,
but now driving Lexus,
but i'll fill you in with all the rest,
and i saw Morgan not too long ago,
i'll tell his lazy ass to get up to town,
won't be a problem once he knows you'll be around.
can you believe his boy is already sixteen?
seems like just yesterday,
he was laying in my arms,
no more than six months old,
fell in love with that fucker right there,
and now he's a flippn junior in high school,
what the fuckin fuck, man?!
where did all the time go?
i miss you bro--
we gotta hang,
call up Clarence,
Simon and the rest of the gang,
these bitches are driving me crazy,
need to talk with some homies,
need to smoke up,
wind down,
where the fuck is Marc>?
that muther-luver was the best,
had all the good shizz,
musically and otherwise,
that som-bitch opened my eyes,
so where is he these wretched days,
where you at MC?
what the fuck?
i got me some babies and not a hella lot,
but bitch,
i'm keeping it real,
too real for me even to deal,
but until someone show me a better way,
this is how i'll spend the remainder of my motherfucking days.
so out of reach
the depth of loneliness,
sitting with your family,
sitting with those that you share the same blood,
and feeling so foreign,
like a falang,
a chimookiman,
a zhaagnosh,
amongst your blood and kin.
where have i gone,
what has happened,
how long did i sleep,
just seems like yesterday,
we were here and the binojiinhs were just little,
what the hell happened,
what did i miss,
what should i do?
tell me what to do,
and i'll do it,
what do i need to fix,
and i'll fix it,
i never abandoned you,
i had to strengthen my resolve,
i had to go out into the world,
to work for zhooniya,
for miijiim,
nothing else,
nothing more.
lost my soul in the process,
lost my family,
lost my wife,
lost my "self",
what more do i do,
what can i do,
what do i do?
the days of slicing myself up,
with razor blades,
or whatever,
are long behind me,
do i destroy the self,
with endless rounds at the bar,
barfly addicted to falsehood,
or do i drink alone,
killing my liver,
killing my future,
killing myself?
i asked you,
i asked you for help,
i wasn't kidding,
please help me,
because i can't help myself,
if you don't care enough to even read this,
why should i try to live,
why why why,
don't tell me the binojiinhs,
don't tell me just that,
it's you that i need,
it's you that's so far gone,
so out of reach . . .
sitting with your family,
sitting with those that you share the same blood,
and feeling so foreign,
like a falang,
a chimookiman,
a zhaagnosh,
amongst your blood and kin.
where have i gone,
what has happened,
how long did i sleep,
just seems like yesterday,
we were here and the binojiinhs were just little,
what the hell happened,
what did i miss,
what should i do?
tell me what to do,
and i'll do it,
what do i need to fix,
and i'll fix it,
i never abandoned you,
i had to strengthen my resolve,
i had to go out into the world,
to work for zhooniya,
for miijiim,
nothing else,
nothing more.
lost my soul in the process,
lost my family,
lost my wife,
lost my "self",
what more do i do,
what can i do,
what do i do?
the days of slicing myself up,
with razor blades,
or whatever,
are long behind me,
do i destroy the self,
with endless rounds at the bar,
barfly addicted to falsehood,
or do i drink alone,
killing my liver,
killing my future,
killing myself?
i asked you,
i asked you for help,
i wasn't kidding,
please help me,
because i can't help myself,
if you don't care enough to even read this,
why should i try to live,
why why why,
don't tell me the binojiinhs,
don't tell me just that,
it's you that i need,
it's you that's so far gone,
so out of reach . . .
just a dream
out into the desert we went,
i'd follow you anywhere,
even to the ends of the earth,
but once there,
was expected to explain,
all these things i knew nothing of,
but that's just it,
just traditions,
but brand new,
making it all up as we go,
act like you know,
just play along,
and no one will question.
yes i've seen that before,
yes that's something our people do,
to honor those who have come before,
what does it mean,
damned if i know,
but let me pretend,
i'll let you play along too,
you wanna know where i'm from?
my reservations pretty shitty,
middle of nowhere,
end of the road,
forget all that poetic romantic crap,
everyone wanted to leave,
those who didn't,
just can't say,
too crazy,
too proud,
too something,
maybe just plain afraid.
so here we are,
we all came to the city,
to make our fortunes,
to blend into the melting pot,
but guess what,
still floating on the top,
like grease skimmed off,
just won't mix,
so what is that,
what is this shit,
can't say,
maybe intergration is just a generation away . . .
i'd follow you anywhere,
even to the ends of the earth,
but once there,
was expected to explain,
all these things i knew nothing of,
but that's just it,
just traditions,
but brand new,
making it all up as we go,
act like you know,
just play along,
and no one will question.
yes i've seen that before,
yes that's something our people do,
to honor those who have come before,
what does it mean,
damned if i know,
but let me pretend,
i'll let you play along too,
you wanna know where i'm from?
my reservations pretty shitty,
middle of nowhere,
end of the road,
forget all that poetic romantic crap,
everyone wanted to leave,
those who didn't,
just can't say,
too crazy,
too proud,
too something,
maybe just plain afraid.
so here we are,
we all came to the city,
to make our fortunes,
to blend into the melting pot,
but guess what,
still floating on the top,
like grease skimmed off,
just won't mix,
so what is that,
what is this shit,
can't say,
maybe intergration is just a generation away . . .
legions
A legion of acquaintances,
But few close friends,
The way it’s always been,
Since the dawn of memory,
Since the birth of consciousness.
Outside looking in,
Wanting to be a part of something,
Something greater than the individual,
But too different,
Too singular in some ways.
Even now struggling,
Still looking in,
Even in my own house,
Outside all alone,
Just looking for a way home.
Created my own,
At least tried to,
Still trying,
Mixed results,
Maybe expectations are to blame.
I gave space,
Independence to the extreme,
Where I had none,
Struggling even with that,
Set them free and left alone.
Tricks of the mind tricks of the ego,
Do I push everyone away,
You said you don’t show affection,
Yes you do,
Just not to me . . .
But few close friends,
The way it’s always been,
Since the dawn of memory,
Since the birth of consciousness.
Outside looking in,
Wanting to be a part of something,
Something greater than the individual,
But too different,
Too singular in some ways.
Even now struggling,
Still looking in,
Even in my own house,
Outside all alone,
Just looking for a way home.
Created my own,
At least tried to,
Still trying,
Mixed results,
Maybe expectations are to blame.
I gave space,
Independence to the extreme,
Where I had none,
Struggling even with that,
Set them free and left alone.
Tricks of the mind tricks of the ego,
Do I push everyone away,
You said you don’t show affection,
Yes you do,
Just not to me . . .
7.13.2007
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