more of the same...

Old sk8 pics (inverted)

judgement day

not gonna lie and say i wasn't worried,
all the trust in my attorney,
by not so much the jury,
so much i don't know,
so much outta my control,
spent nearly six hours in court,
after 15 minutes of deliberation,
jury came back with a "not guilty,"
cried like a baby as soon as they left,
so relieved so glad so thankful,
what a waste of time,
had my life held hostage,
so what have i learned?
every minute every hour every day,
a gift from above,
and finally accepted another fact,
for whatever reason i still hate myself,
not worthy/not something,
amer-asian kid growing up over there,
always ashamed never felt the same,
never ever seemed to belong,
but somehow always shifted the blame,
always someone else's problem,
can't even begin to tell,
how much of an ass i've been,
put my family/friends/co-workers through hell.
kept repeating the same mantra,
binojiinhs (my babies),
thought only of them,
sat and listened to so many lies,
only one of them looked me in the eye,
seemed to say WTF!?,
you flipn ass@#$%,
who the hell is this lawyer grilling me,
putting me on trial instead of you,
what the hell have i got myself into,
could see and feel his pain,
just a fraction of what i've felt,
shut up and play the hand you were dealt.
three months of pain and suffering,
i warned you from the start,
told you not to push too far,
but you and they and the powers that be,
for one of the very few times,
things seemed to work out for me,
that attorney used to be a judge,
in the MotorCity/Motown/the Big D,
used to prosecute and now defends in that same court,
one of the very busiest in this great nation,
also had some dude named Harrison Ford,
shadowing him for awhile to see his skills (for "Presumed Innocent")
he left his judgeship so he could pay his bills.
just so happens his daughter is my sister-in-law,
but i gotta tell you that dude is raw,
quiet and cool and seemingly safe,
that sucker ripped out some hearts,
offered it up for one last look,
while the victim still lived,
shock and awe and fighting for breath,
wolf in sheep's clothing just handed you your ass,
that look D.R. gave me was just priceless,
will stay with me until my dying day,
you want some of this/are you for real,
you filthy pig get ready to squeal,
that mofo takes no prisoners.
for once in my life things went my way,
but now i gotta start thinking,
need to make sure to leave yesterday,
back in the rearview where it needs to stay,
so sick of the mess that i've wrought,
owe it to myself and the children,
to fix what i can and move forward,
so much pain/so much damage,
might never ever make it up to my beloved,
need to start tomorrow,
little baby steps at first,
need to love those that love me despite,
all the things i've done and said.
so freaked out about losing my job,
then came suspension without pay,
tried to make sense of it,
tried to blame it all away,
none of that is even now an issue,
charges dismissed/any and all actions withdrawn,
needed to have faith for real,
somehow let it drop/refused to kneel,
gave in to my fears and paranoia,
thank God i got a decent lawyer,
made it all disappear just like that,
like being in a novel by Grisham,
unfortunately this one was non-fiction.
and somehow Rick drove up from Detroit,
pro-bono/refused any kind of payment,
said this dinky little court was just for kicks,
back home he's dealing with a couple of murder cases,
this was just a way to stretch his legs,
see for a moment how the other half lives,
know he came because Mama-issa asked,
me almost in tears asked for her help,
gave her a glimpse of what I'm going through,
put aside whatever differences existed,
called in a favor from the biggest of guns,
hopefully the very last one,
hopefully the last time i go down this path,
somehow averted my own karma's merciless wrath.

adrienne

not sure why this memory came bubbling up
so many years ago so many lifetimes past
walking towards the shed just off the track
cleaning up before we were done and gone
a flock of green from the lower school
don't even remember who the hell was there
but thats when i first met you
we were all just kids back then
bouncing on the high jump mats
surprised none of us cracked our heads
chatted for a minute realized how young
i was just a boy back then
didn't really even have a clue
thought to myself that i would wait for you
had not much of anything going on
but fate had it otherwise and it never was
even though there were other chances
even though i knew your siblings
then i saw you again that late spring day
asked you if you remembered me
you said yes with a knowing smile
and i collapsed in on myself again
left it right there and walked away
probably nothing important anyway
but maybe you were the one after all
we always wish and wonder
searching for that special someone
to take us above and beyond
to make us forget ourselves
to leave our sordid pasts behind
maybe you were the one
or maybe just one of many
but now we'll never know
maybe you had the answers
i've been searching for all these years
why do you come out of the blue
just to torture me with your memory
why do i keep doing this to myself
the partners we choose seem to fill a void
until one day we're faced with the same choice
until we realize they are only flesh and bone
and the answers multiply anew
i realize that what i'm searching for
might never really exist
and that it's no one's fault but mine
falling into this same old trap all the time
could you have cured me of my failings
could all of this have been avoided
just the pipe dreams of an old man
nevermind, what the hell was i thinking
i have a real life right here
that i'm trying so desperately to forget
i can't even spell anymore it's getting so bad
here i sit longing for that which shall never be. . .

last gasp

With our very last gasp
What goes through the mind
On the edge of eternity
What do we think of before we go
Will we call out to our mothers
Think one last time of our lovers
Or focus on our regrets?
Will we think of our children and cry
Or wish we had them if we didn’t
I think I’ll simply cry for everyone
Curse this wretched life
So much promise, so much pain
I don’t think we’ll come back again
And I don’t believe in a hereafter.
Infinity spent in nothingness
No love, no hope, no escape
Staring into the void, nothing is there
So what is this all for, why are we here
I really wanted to believe, needed to believe
But I’ll leave this life with nothing
And leave my children with the same.
I never wanted to become attached
Never wanted to love nor want
But now it’s far too late, too caught up
And to think that I brought them into this
Filled their heads with impossible dreams
Don’t blame yourselves, just the way it is
Nothing behind the curtain, just a charade.
Your only choice is to choose something to worship
Money, religion, progress, truth, music, beauty…
One or all or some combination of the above
Or you can choose nothing and play it safe
But keep everyone and everything away
Live life with everything at arm’s length
Because nothing and no one ever stays.
Just a simple matter of perspective
Perhaps skewed by my brain chemicals
Seems to be easier if you believe
Especially when you believe in yourself
At least it seems to work for others
And it does seem that we’re all connected
But right now that means nothing to me.
So when the time finally comes
When I take my last gasp of air
I hope that I do so with no regrets
Hopefully I can say I did my best
I gave my love and time to my children
I raised them well, and they’ll remember me
As they live and love and learn
And I hope they embrace this life
In all the ways I refused or failed.

about a girl

you got your pout on
like that means something to me
gonna pretend it don't
not gonna let you know otherwise
why i gotta love you
don't fully know the reason
that smirk you wear
that knowing look
that twinkle in your eye
you are nothing but trouble to me
but its the only kind i want
smell your skin as you walk by
sitting here wishing for a taste
love what you were what you are
gonna love what you become
no ryhme or reason
just the way things are
i hear possible yesterdays echo
some other time or place i was able to show you
but not now not here not today nor tomorrow
life so bittersweet ponder upon it
but that's just that ain't it
so let's pretend i never told you
let's pretend none of this really matters
and i'll sit here pretending right along
that i don't love you don't want you
but the wanting is the sweetest part
so why lose the best part of what we got
i'm that loser that believes in all that shit
so tell your friends and laugh at me
over my back and behind my head
cuz if its not you its always someone
might as well be someone i understand
you the masculine me like i'm the feminine you
but you already know that so i'll shut up
and continue wishing for what never was . . .

Lisa

Started sometime in the winter,
Think she had someone tell me,
Typical high school stuff,
So-and-so thinks you’re cute,
No, really, she likes you.
What’s to like, what did she know,
Walks past my locker everyday,
Just after sixth hour right after lunch,
I was full of other people's food, full of myself,
Laughing and joking all the while.
She was a year older than me,
Part of the New Wave set,
Hair all teased standing right up,
Encrusted with hair spray,
Mixed with the smell of leather.
Cigarettes and perfume as well,
Devotees of the big hair groups,
Duran Duran, U2, the Alarm and more,
And they were all Anglophiles,
Wishing for something better.
New Romantics all dolled-up,
Me spiked-hair and military jackets,
Motorcycle or combat boots,
Liked the distortion of the hardcore,
With all the yelling and the screaming.
Hers was a world of stuff,
House/cars/clothes bought with dad’s money,
Minted and made at the GM plant,
Big-brother Billy so avant-garde,
Ankle high boots and mall-bought threads.
No better or worse, we all were just searching,
Too embarrassed, never had her pick me up,
Always walked the mile to her house,
Putzed around while she got dressed,
Mom yelling up the stairs every few minutes.
Short-lived romance not that big of a deal,
Mom shouldn’t have worried bout me at all,
Just a kid wearing his dad’s USMC jacket,
Grabbed a kiss and a boob when I could.
Remember the very first time,
Sitting in front of my house,
Breathing in her smell and my excitement,
Even had to ask if I could have a kiss,
Electricity ran through my veins.
She dumped my moody brooding ass,
Gave me something to pout about,
Walked around feeling like shit,
Face clenched like a fist,
She had beaten me to the punch.
Played around and got hurt,
Just thank God it didn’t go all the way,
Giving it up to a chump like me,
Would’ve ended marrying her,
The first and last girl right out of the gate.
Heady stupid dreams of youth,
Can’t lie and say I miss it,
Haven’t thought twice about her,
Until just now twenty-some years later,
But did bring a smile to my face.
Most of it just makes me laugh,
I reminded her of some song,
Quiet and slow at the start,
Building to a loud startling climax,
I blamed the sexual tension.
I moved on and out,
Bigger and better suburbs yet,
Small world but never ran into her,
Hung out with her best friend's friends,
Playing the same game as before.
How could I let anyone inside,
When I couldn't even trust myself,
Here I am still trying to figure that out,
Twenty-two years and two dozen women,
Fist full of memories and a ton of regrets.

3 blocks west 1 block north

three blocks west one block north
spent most of my time at 8 and Mound
lived there from age seven to sixteen
walked and rode my bike all over
middle school was almost to 10 and Ryan
high school 3/4 of a mile south of that.
detentions and sports kept me after
would walk home even in winter
always seemed so desolate
only God's forsaken out walking
rust buckets lumbering by inches away
in a mad rush to escape Detroit.
mile roads from 8 to 10
half-mile streets along the way
Toepfer, Stephens and Frazho
Dequindre on the west
snuggled up to Hazel Park/Oakland County
and 8 mile to our south.
sleepy post-war brick neighborhoods
to tri-levels built in the sixties
and five or six trailer parks
can never quite remember how many
this is where i lived, this is where i grew up
so many memories, good and bad.
i went all over with friendsor went biking by myself
to the far reaches of our district
just to our east we had factories
cutting us off from the rest of Warren
state's third largest city,
that we called home.
i wandered during frozen nights
running from my parents, running from myself
strolled home slowly on summer days
exhausted from football, drinking a Big Gulp
wanting to escape wanting to go
out beyond the suburbs to somewhere else.
my cousins and everyone's cousins
living large to the west and north
big fancy houses with too much room
driving hand-me-down muscle cars
ones that didn't belch out smoke
and rattle as they crawled down the street.
we had that Detroit lean, didn't even know
or always walked in the street
where we could, when we could
us and our feathered hair-dos
just out of reach of the mainstream
fighting off progress and MTV.
land of the forgotten
the armpit of the world
a northern suburb of the Big D
and to the south was a different world
city was predominantly black
but we avoided it like the plague.
so many of our parents had long ago escaped
left the rottting city to whoever stayed behind
decades beyond glory years of Motown
crumbling mansions along Outer Drive
wasted usless lifeless buildings down Woodward
danger on every corner, waiting for another riot.
xenophobes, idiots and racists abound
if you're not like them, didn't want you around
but sometimes i see them in me
growing up there with no role models
feeling stuck out from all the rest
just wanted to belong like everyone else.
i miss the long endless summer days
killing time hanging out at someone's house
oversized backyards chock full of green
sun blazing down upon cracked concrete
riding and running all day long
until twilight eventually chased us home.

promise?

You promised me we would grow old together
The only growing we did was apart
So now where do we go
I’m so tired of carrying regret with me
My baggage for sure but shitty just the same
Feel so alone whenever you’re around.
That’s a good story but I heard it before
Just like all the other ones
And you always say I repeat myself
We’ll we’re both stuck in the ruts
So what do we do to fill our days
Or do we just sit silent for the next 40 years?
Your stories are always the same
At least you’ve got some consistency
Cuz mine always change
Depending on who’s listening
Or whatever mood I’m in
Or whatever else is going on.
I can tell you’re not even listening
You accuse me of that all the time
But you barely hear a word I said
Barely heard anything anyone said
Nothing is really that crucial
Even though you may believe otherwise.
Sit down and sit still for a moment
Stop lying to me and to yourself
What is real, what do you believe
What do you think you think you want
I don’t think you even care who’s listening
You’re just trying to believe in your own lies.
There’s this lady I know who tells stories
Supposedly about her own life
Minus the facts and any reality
You’re not so far gone
But you shine up pieces of nothing
And offer it up like its gold.
Maybe in your own way
Your just trying to say something simple
Like all life is sacred and wonderful
But it comes off like you know better
Like you got some inside scoop
But you got nothing just like the rest.
Its good just as it is, no need to fabricate
No need to over-state and gloss over
Life so beautiful just on its own
Stop trying to cover up with words
Hiding from your own ugliness
Scratch and scratch, but the itch never goes away.
So let’s sit and take up space
Staring at the t.v. losing ourselves
Forgetting whatever brought us together
Hazy crazy yesterdays lost forever
As we sit and hate the fates
Damning ourselves to years of empty noise.

can of worms

Opened up a can of worms,
Can’t seem to stop,
Can’t seem to shut up,
Stuff comes spinning out,
Saying things better left unsaid,
But I got nothing else,
Just writing down the bones,
Trying to see what I got hiding inside,
Leave it all here so I can go on with my life.
Scraped together some change,
Got me a six pack of the cheap stuff,
Somehow only managed to drink two,
Just like that the other four were gone,
Gotta start hiding the stuff or something,
Running hard all day at work,
Went home and just kept going,
Run to the laundromat/go to the store,
Drop the kid off by half-past four.
Back out again cuz the burger was bad,
Bagged up and frozen four days too late,
Just make some rice and warm up the chicken,
But oh that’s right/no one else likes leftovers,
Good enough for me but not anyone else,
I’m just a cup-half-empty kind of guy,
Never happy with what I have,
Only when it’s too late/only long after,
I finally realize how lucky I was.
Sitting here sipping a cup of tea,
Not sure when that started,
Gave up on coffee awhile ago,
The taste felt too heavy on my tongue,
Lingering for hours after,
Long after the caffeine wore off,
Even after the eventual crash,
Left it behind without a second thought,
Moved on to something else.
Changes abound big and small,
The less I think about it,
The more likely it remains,
When forced upon me by circumstances,
Like me riding the bus,
I never would have chose that,
But the commute isn’t so bad,
The ¾ of a mile walk is nice,
Gives me time to myself.
I don’t worry about the drive,
Leave it all to Dave,
Who leaves the mall at 06:05,
Monday through Friday,
Just in time to pick me up,
And I close my eyes and meditate,
Just to rest and pass the time,
And the ride is over just like that,
I’m feeling refreshed and ready to go.
The time spent outside,
Dodging cars on streets with no sidewalks,
Slipping and sliding on ice,
Face and hands raw and freezing,
Reminds me that I’m alive,
No denying that basic fact,
But so easy to forget,
When we hide away in our cars,
Protected by glass, steel and plastic.
Tired of hiding from the elements,
Cocooning myself in my misery,
Wishing for warmth and ease,
But hiding from real life,
Lost in my own mind,
Time to stop putting it on hold,
This is all there is,
But I long for something false,
Haunted by my demons.
I’ve tried and failed at so many things,
But that too is life,
Do what you can and move on,
Sometimes we’re too hard on ourselves,
We all house multitudes within,
Capable of good and bad,
Beauty and ugliness and everything else,
To be human means we aren’t perfect,
But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try.
We still choose what we create,
Affecting everyone around us,
So what is worth passing on,
Love and respect and a clear vision,
Not out of duty or external rewards,
But because you know it is right for you,
To do unto others as you would have them do,
We create our own realities,
So what do you choose to make,
What legacy will you leave behind?