Half-awake lying on a gurney,
Lights down low to spare my eyes,
IV fluids in my right arm,
Plastic plug in my nose,
Contacts all over my body,
For an EKG, I think?
What the hell did I do now?
Hospital gown over my tie-dyed shirt,
Sans pants, sans shoes,
Sans sense or memory,
The smell of bile and shit,
Floating above me,
Just below the darkened fluorescent lights.
I floated in and out of consciousness,
As the male nurse kept coming and going,
Telling me to drink my charcoal,
To flush my system of the toxins,
Ingested and digested,
Half-tripping, half-serious.
My forearm purple and blue,
Can contacts shock, or did I just roll?
Not too sure, but that doesn’t look good,
Wishing I hadn’t had that whiskey,
Wishing I could just forget,
Only a mere shadow of myself,
Walking in this shadow world,
Full of lies and deceit,
No love, no hope, no chance.
The morning shift comes in,
They tell me I had a rough night,
They say I had a seizure,
They’re moving me upstairs,
Gonna keep me for a few days,
Not sure of the damage,
Not sure of the effects.
Floating in and out of the shadows,
Answering questions and making sense,
When needed, when prompted,
Then I slink back to my hole,
I sleep it off and the safety sitters watch,
Sometimes they read, sometimes watch t.v.,
Never leaving me alone,
Always there to remind me.
The sitter helps me to the bathroom,
Stands guard outside with the door open,
As I stare into the mirror, my eyes wide-open,
Like a frightened deer, state of shock,
Like a horror-show, frozen in place.
The things I’ve seen, the things I done,
See the terror in my eyes,
Nothing compared to what I lived,
But that feeling fades immediately,
Just another hurdle, just another thing,
Someone shoved me back into this life,
Found me wandering in the in-between,
Probably grandma, so sick of my games.
B troops the kids in, a line of three,
She and the eldest up against the wall,
Keeping their distance,
But E stalks back and forth,
Eyeing me, eyeing the room,
Says “wassup, Daddy,”
Matter-of-factly,
Pacing like a caged lion,
Looking for something to eat.
“aren’t these guys worth you sticking around?”
was all she said, and I said yes,
and whisper my apologies,
not sure if they even heard,
but yes, they are worth me sticking around.
All the rest, the car getting repossessed,
money disappearing in garnishments,
Double-jeopardy, they took too much,
Whatever and ever and amen,
Doesn’t mean a flippn thing.
They are worth being here for,
Despite whatever it is we go through,
Not sure where this road will lead,
Stop measuring myself by someone else’s standards,
Living begins here and now,
Not tomorrow, not yesterday,
Not in the shadows or the in-between.
11.08.2007
charged G.B.H.
Charged G.B.H.--
not the band but the criminal act,
charges filed waiting to hear back,
just gotta wait and see,
whose lies the prosecutor believes,
seems like there's always something,
just wanna live my life in peace,
just seems like a pipe dream.
Tired of all the drama,
is it me or is it my babies' mama,
one or both are to blame,
on the verge of going insane,
walking around under a black cloud,
somethings gotta give,
somethings gotta change,
ran our race need to walk away.
There is no us hasn't been for five years,
so why am I still hanging around here,
grew up not knowing my folks,
until I was five or so,
never felt apart of anything,
never wanted that for my kids,
never even wanted kids,
but she changed my mind.
I try to do for them all I can,
but at what point will it end,
like riding a board with two bad wheels,
the other half just not helping out,
takes all I have not to scream and shout,
turning into my father,
who I never loved,
who never loved anything not even himself.
Just a little bit of help,
a show of respect,
nothing is as it was,
everything seems wrecked,
but maybe if I make the first step,
maybe this thing can be salvaged just yet,
nothing else I can do about the rest,
if it doesn't work out maybe I'll head out west.
Life seems so open and full of promise,
back when you're eighteen,
your head filled with silly dreams,
twenty years later and you're still nowhere,
what were all those things you wanted,
that you thought were within reach,
where's your confidence now,
mr. mangadezi please take a bow.
So what are you going to do,
keep getting by,
continue living the lie,
is that what you want your children to do,
twenty years from now,
when little Nan turns thirty-two,
will she be going through the motions,
just like your wife, just like you?
not the band but the criminal act,
charges filed waiting to hear back,
just gotta wait and see,
whose lies the prosecutor believes,
seems like there's always something,
just wanna live my life in peace,
just seems like a pipe dream.
Tired of all the drama,
is it me or is it my babies' mama,
one or both are to blame,
on the verge of going insane,
walking around under a black cloud,
somethings gotta give,
somethings gotta change,
ran our race need to walk away.
There is no us hasn't been for five years,
so why am I still hanging around here,
grew up not knowing my folks,
until I was five or so,
never felt apart of anything,
never wanted that for my kids,
never even wanted kids,
but she changed my mind.
I try to do for them all I can,
but at what point will it end,
like riding a board with two bad wheels,
the other half just not helping out,
takes all I have not to scream and shout,
turning into my father,
who I never loved,
who never loved anything not even himself.
Just a little bit of help,
a show of respect,
nothing is as it was,
everything seems wrecked,
but maybe if I make the first step,
maybe this thing can be salvaged just yet,
nothing else I can do about the rest,
if it doesn't work out maybe I'll head out west.
Life seems so open and full of promise,
back when you're eighteen,
your head filled with silly dreams,
twenty years later and you're still nowhere,
what were all those things you wanted,
that you thought were within reach,
where's your confidence now,
mr. mangadezi please take a bow.
So what are you going to do,
keep getting by,
continue living the lie,
is that what you want your children to do,
twenty years from now,
when little Nan turns thirty-two,
will she be going through the motions,
just like your wife, just like you?
my favorite line
Between the rail and the half-wall,
Over at the front where Campbell does axle-stalls,
Lined up and made sure its all clear,
Nu-skoolers doing pop outs and rail-slides,
Standing around the bench smoking extra-wides.
Two quick pushes and down the bank,
Knees loose so they sank,
Hit the flat and straightened out,
Sucking in momentum and up again,
This is how it goes how it begins.
Grazed the top of the pyramid,
Thirty-eight year old man acting like a kid,
Carefree and glad to just be,
Fast roll back onto the flat onto the hip,
Shoot onto flat into the corner just below the lip.
When the speed’s right when all is good,
Hit that corner almost horizontal as I should,
The magic doesn’t always work,
But when and if you gotta go with the flow,
Who knows where it comes or where it goes.
Back down the wall and over to the next,
Still can’t carve through both corners yet,
So I pick the one on the right,
I go so high that I almost fall,
Almost came tumbling off the wall.
Still need to hit both corners instead of one,
But I promise that I will before season’s done,
Backside carve for this goofy-footer,
Throw up my feet and let it go,
If you don’t try then you’ll never know.
Over at the front where Campbell does axle-stalls,
Lined up and made sure its all clear,
Nu-skoolers doing pop outs and rail-slides,
Standing around the bench smoking extra-wides.
Two quick pushes and down the bank,
Knees loose so they sank,
Hit the flat and straightened out,
Sucking in momentum and up again,
This is how it goes how it begins.
Grazed the top of the pyramid,
Thirty-eight year old man acting like a kid,
Carefree and glad to just be,
Fast roll back onto the flat onto the hip,
Shoot onto flat into the corner just below the lip.
When the speed’s right when all is good,
Hit that corner almost horizontal as I should,
The magic doesn’t always work,
But when and if you gotta go with the flow,
Who knows where it comes or where it goes.
Back down the wall and over to the next,
Still can’t carve through both corners yet,
So I pick the one on the right,
I go so high that I almost fall,
Almost came tumbling off the wall.
Still need to hit both corners instead of one,
But I promise that I will before season’s done,
Backside carve for this goofy-footer,
Throw up my feet and let it go,
If you don’t try then you’ll never know.
hate'n and skate'n
Waiting on a check in the mail,
So sick of waiting just want to bail,
Don’t much care but everyone on my tail,
Waiting for my ship to come in,
Waiting and waiting for whatever,
Wish this financial shizz would get better.
Took all I could and jetted out the door,
Told them I’d be back in an hour or more,
Jumped into the car with five-on-the-floor,
Autumn chill but a nice sunny day,
Just needed to escape even for a few,
Freeze time enough to do what I need to do.
Must have been college day at the park,
Jocks with boards out on a lark,
None of the locals say what the fark,
Silly ass shiite but whatever man,
Just stay outta my way there dobie,
No don’t talk to me cuz I’m not your homie.
Thems some nice threads that you’re wearing,
Real nice of your moms but ain’t that overbearing,
Dude just did a kickturn oh that’s so daring,
Ok/alright guess I’m done hating,
All the twenty-somethings cluttering my space,
Got time on their hands that they wanna waste.
My wheels were so thirsty for concrete,
Slurping it up as they glide under my feet,
All the wannabees need to take a seat,
Homie can’t carve unless you got speed,
Take out your paper and pens and take notes,
There I go again knocking the college dolts.
Carve pump carve bank to tranny,
Up and down the hubbas feels uncanny,
Going too fast almost did a manny,
Slow back down and back to earth,
Almost got some sense knocked into me,
Flying too fast too loose drunk with vanity.
So I just rode until I was out of breath,
Carved kicked and pumped had nothing left,
Still much more to go still haven’t passed the test,
Finally did what I set out to do,
Went and forgot about everyone else,
Just shut up and worked on my self.
So sick of waiting just want to bail,
Don’t much care but everyone on my tail,
Waiting for my ship to come in,
Waiting and waiting for whatever,
Wish this financial shizz would get better.
Took all I could and jetted out the door,
Told them I’d be back in an hour or more,
Jumped into the car with five-on-the-floor,
Autumn chill but a nice sunny day,
Just needed to escape even for a few,
Freeze time enough to do what I need to do.
Must have been college day at the park,
Jocks with boards out on a lark,
None of the locals say what the fark,
Silly ass shiite but whatever man,
Just stay outta my way there dobie,
No don’t talk to me cuz I’m not your homie.
Thems some nice threads that you’re wearing,
Real nice of your moms but ain’t that overbearing,
Dude just did a kickturn oh that’s so daring,
Ok/alright guess I’m done hating,
All the twenty-somethings cluttering my space,
Got time on their hands that they wanna waste.
My wheels were so thirsty for concrete,
Slurping it up as they glide under my feet,
All the wannabees need to take a seat,
Homie can’t carve unless you got speed,
Take out your paper and pens and take notes,
There I go again knocking the college dolts.
Carve pump carve bank to tranny,
Up and down the hubbas feels uncanny,
Going too fast almost did a manny,
Slow back down and back to earth,
Almost got some sense knocked into me,
Flying too fast too loose drunk with vanity.
So I just rode until I was out of breath,
Carved kicked and pumped had nothing left,
Still much more to go still haven’t passed the test,
Finally did what I set out to do,
Went and forgot about everyone else,
Just shut up and worked on my self.
10.24.2007
10/22
I see Z through the glass from ceiling to floor,
At the entrance of the hospital,
Where he was born 15 years before,
Probably wondering where the heck we’re at,
All the while wearing grandpa’s size-too-big hat.
Mom and I make him volunteer,
Just once a week every Monday,
To give back to the place that saved his life,
All the time spent on the unit day and night,
First neo-natal and later the pediatric floor.
He hops into grandma’s purple minivan,
Filled to the ceiling with camping gear,
Maps and paper plates and who knows what,
Just as his legs clear I close the door shut,
And he crams into the back with the rest of us.
Little E welcomes him with a devilish grin,
As Nancy starts right in and starts ribbing him,
But that’s what siblings do and they do it well,
They fill the space with laughter and jokes,
Making me so happy and filling me with hope.
At the entrance of the hospital,
Where he was born 15 years before,
Probably wondering where the heck we’re at,
All the while wearing grandpa’s size-too-big hat.
Mom and I make him volunteer,
Just once a week every Monday,
To give back to the place that saved his life,
All the time spent on the unit day and night,
First neo-natal and later the pediatric floor.
He hops into grandma’s purple minivan,
Filled to the ceiling with camping gear,
Maps and paper plates and who knows what,
Just as his legs clear I close the door shut,
And he crams into the back with the rest of us.
Little E welcomes him with a devilish grin,
As Nancy starts right in and starts ribbing him,
But that’s what siblings do and they do it well,
They fill the space with laughter and jokes,
Making me so happy and filling me with hope.
adrenaline
Smarmy smiles and knowing glances,
Self-satisfied looks high above the ashes,
So you think you know just everything you need,
Bubble burst in a nanosecond and sends you searching,
Blank-eyed and surprised as the assault begins.
Slow and measured come the lies from ashen lips,
Trying to find a reason trying to remember why,
Please please someone dial nine-one-one,
Go ahead go ahead like I really care,
Elbow to the head knee to the ribs one swift kick.
Out of control slipping to the other side,
Adrenaline coursing through calcified veins,
Scrapper Dan barely holding me back,
As I walk him back and forth between the yellow lines,
Two hundred pounds and some change barely enough.
My rage comes from a place that you have never been,
Push and push and see what you get,
Bloodied and broken and filled with regret,
I won’t feel a thing until the next day,
After the anger and the adrenaline has faded away.
Self-satisfied looks high above the ashes,
So you think you know just everything you need,
Bubble burst in a nanosecond and sends you searching,
Blank-eyed and surprised as the assault begins.
Slow and measured come the lies from ashen lips,
Trying to find a reason trying to remember why,
Please please someone dial nine-one-one,
Go ahead go ahead like I really care,
Elbow to the head knee to the ribs one swift kick.
Out of control slipping to the other side,
Adrenaline coursing through calcified veins,
Scrapper Dan barely holding me back,
As I walk him back and forth between the yellow lines,
Two hundred pounds and some change barely enough.
My rage comes from a place that you have never been,
Push and push and see what you get,
Bloodied and broken and filled with regret,
I won’t feel a thing until the next day,
After the anger and the adrenaline has faded away.
10.17.2007
odds and ends
We were all in such a big hurry to grow up,
So impatient about becoming adults,
Wanted to start living our lives doing who knows what,
On to bigger and better things or so we thought,
At the half-way point of my life I long for those yesterdays.
The optimism of youth long since gone,
Plodding down my life’s path so lost,
I dreamt of chasing rainbows and finding a pot of gold,
But the closer I got the further I had to go,
Realize now that they were illusions from the very first.
So let’s go back to square one and begin from the start,
What is it I really want/what do I really need,
Realize that I expected everything to take care of itself,
Expected the fairy tale/wanted a life that was made for TV,
Nothing is set in stone/that’s the price we pay for wanting to be free.
I’m a little bit fat and a little bit old,
So many things in life out of my control.
Don’t want to sit on the sidelines anymore,
That’s the main reason that I’m back on board.
Just this one little something for me to do,
Enjoy myself before this life is through.
Living my life doing what I should,
Riding on seven-plies of maple wood.
Looking forward to the long sleep of death,
Gotta live life to the hilt/before I breathe my last breath
So impatient about becoming adults,
Wanted to start living our lives doing who knows what,
On to bigger and better things or so we thought,
At the half-way point of my life I long for those yesterdays.
The optimism of youth long since gone,
Plodding down my life’s path so lost,
I dreamt of chasing rainbows and finding a pot of gold,
But the closer I got the further I had to go,
Realize now that they were illusions from the very first.
So let’s go back to square one and begin from the start,
What is it I really want/what do I really need,
Realize that I expected everything to take care of itself,
Expected the fairy tale/wanted a life that was made for TV,
Nothing is set in stone/that’s the price we pay for wanting to be free.
I’m a little bit fat and a little bit old,
So many things in life out of my control.
Don’t want to sit on the sidelines anymore,
That’s the main reason that I’m back on board.
Just this one little something for me to do,
Enjoy myself before this life is through.
Living my life doing what I should,
Riding on seven-plies of maple wood.
Looking forward to the long sleep of death,
Gotta live life to the hilt/before I breathe my last breath
XC
Wading into a sea of humanity,
I scan the grounds looking for my daughter,
Awash with multi-colored awnings and bibs,
Cross-county teams from thirty schools,
Like medieval foot soldiers they stand,
Awaiting the sound of the gun,
Staring and waiting to begin their run.
They have assembled on this field,
On the edge of these woods,
To do battle with themselves,
Between the football stadium and the forest,
To test their mettle and skill,
To dig deep and find what they will.
Cool autumn day north of the capitol,
Banners hung at the start and finish,
Gun goes pop and the racers are off,
Mad rush to the top of the hill,
Then they disappear into the trees,
We make our way to various vantage points,
I find a spot about half-way through,
By a cornfield next to the new high school.
They come zipping by in ones and twos,
A pack of three followed by the rest,
Breathing hard and concentrated on the task,
We cheer and yell as they run past,
Cheering for one or all as fits our mood,
Then we head back toward the finish,
To watch these valiant souls push the limits.
They run back through the woods and down the hill,
Straight onto the track and around for half a lap,
Cheered on by the crowd gathered in the bleachers,
Toward the finish line next to the huge digital clock,
Then into the chute adorned with flags and pennants,
The course bludgeoned and beaten by their feet,
By the end of the season’s last cross-country meet.
10.06.2007
mock-up tshirt for marching band
Z-man is section leader for the mellophones this year (and only a sophomore!) so he was responsible for getting their t-shirt and all that jazz, which meant I got stuck doing the design--here's the mock-up:
hey cuz
Who are you?
You claim to be my bro,
But what do you really know?
You and I have traveled down different paths,
For whatever reason,
And now I’m standing here wondering,
Weighing and deciding what to do.
I don’t know you anymore and that’s the truth,
What we do, what we think, who we are,
So different from who we were back in ’92.
No good or bad in this,
Just the way it has turned out,
Even though you share blood with mine,
Nothing to salvage at this point.
All the smack you talk all the time,
Was almost endearing when you were twelve,
Now pushing thirty just seems pathetic,
Who you still trying to convince?
You’ve heard this and you’ve heard that,
Still can’t think for yourself,
Never gonna grow beyond your father’s shadow,
Never gonna let go of momma’s apron strings.
So you heard that B_ told A_ this and that,
Have you ever concerned why,
Was she trying to help her or help you,
Are you really that blinded by your pride?
It was good to see you again,
But don’t expect me to come around,
After all that had been said,
After I saw the company that you still keep,
Doing the things that kept you away from your kids,
Got yourself locked away trying to play gangsta,
So you go on doing whatever you need to do.
So B_ represents something else to you,
You do pretty good covering the other half,
Littered and broken down,
Floundering between reality and illusion,
Just like the all the rest,
So choose your poison,
Choose your context.
I hold on to a sliver of hope,
Despite what you showed me,
Despite my darkest fears,
Just can’t stand to see another generation wasted,
Alcohol, drugs, and whatever else,
So much promise in everyone’s face,
In that faded picture you had on the fridge.
Where are they all at now?
A couple in prison,
A couple on their way there,
The rest on probation,
You call that representin’?
What would your father say,
If he were still alive,
Or your sister for that part,
But that’s right,
You pay little attention,
To anything outside your little box,
So throw it all away,
Living just for today,
Forgetting about whatever else,
Family, blood, children,
Left to fend for themselves.
You claim to be my bro,
But what do you really know?
You and I have traveled down different paths,
For whatever reason,
And now I’m standing here wondering,
Weighing and deciding what to do.
I don’t know you anymore and that’s the truth,
What we do, what we think, who we are,
So different from who we were back in ’92.
No good or bad in this,
Just the way it has turned out,
Even though you share blood with mine,
Nothing to salvage at this point.
All the smack you talk all the time,
Was almost endearing when you were twelve,
Now pushing thirty just seems pathetic,
Who you still trying to convince?
You’ve heard this and you’ve heard that,
Still can’t think for yourself,
Never gonna grow beyond your father’s shadow,
Never gonna let go of momma’s apron strings.
So you heard that B_ told A_ this and that,
Have you ever concerned why,
Was she trying to help her or help you,
Are you really that blinded by your pride?
It was good to see you again,
But don’t expect me to come around,
After all that had been said,
After I saw the company that you still keep,
Doing the things that kept you away from your kids,
Got yourself locked away trying to play gangsta,
So you go on doing whatever you need to do.
So B_ represents something else to you,
You do pretty good covering the other half,
Littered and broken down,
Floundering between reality and illusion,
Just like the all the rest,
So choose your poison,
Choose your context.
I hold on to a sliver of hope,
Despite what you showed me,
Despite my darkest fears,
Just can’t stand to see another generation wasted,
Alcohol, drugs, and whatever else,
So much promise in everyone’s face,
In that faded picture you had on the fridge.
Where are they all at now?
A couple in prison,
A couple on their way there,
The rest on probation,
You call that representin’?
What would your father say,
If he were still alive,
Or your sister for that part,
But that’s right,
You pay little attention,
To anything outside your little box,
So throw it all away,
Living just for today,
Forgetting about whatever else,
Family, blood, children,
Left to fend for themselves.
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