the shadowlands

Half-awake lying on a gurney,
Lights down low to spare my eyes,
IV fluids in my right arm,
Plastic plug in my nose,
Contacts all over my body,
For an EKG, I think?
What the hell did I do now?
Hospital gown over my tie-dyed shirt,
Sans pants, sans shoes,
Sans sense or memory,
The smell of bile and shit,
Floating above me,
Just below the darkened fluorescent lights.
I floated in and out of consciousness,
As the male nurse kept coming and going,
Telling me to drink my charcoal,
To flush my system of the toxins,
Ingested and digested,
Half-tripping, half-serious.
My forearm purple and blue,
Can contacts shock, or did I just roll?
Not too sure, but that doesn’t look good,
Wishing I hadn’t had that whiskey,
Wishing I could just forget,
Only a mere shadow of myself,
Walking in this shadow world,
Full of lies and deceit,
No love, no hope, no chance.
The morning shift comes in,
They tell me I had a rough night,
They say I had a seizure,
They’re moving me upstairs,
Gonna keep me for a few days,
Not sure of the damage,
Not sure of the effects.
Floating in and out of the shadows,
Answering questions and making sense,
When needed, when prompted,
Then I slink back to my hole,
I sleep it off and the safety sitters watch,
Sometimes they read, sometimes watch t.v.,
Never leaving me alone,
Always there to remind me.
The sitter helps me to the bathroom,
Stands guard outside with the door open,
As I stare into the mirror, my eyes wide-open,
Like a frightened deer, state of shock,
Like a horror-show, frozen in place.
The things I’ve seen, the things I done,
See the terror in my eyes,
Nothing compared to what I lived,
But that feeling fades immediately,
Just another hurdle, just another thing,
Someone shoved me back into this life,
Found me wandering in the in-between,
Probably grandma, so sick of my games.
B troops the kids in, a line of three,
She and the eldest up against the wall,
Keeping their distance,
But E stalks back and forth,
Eyeing me, eyeing the room,
Says “wassup, Daddy,”
Matter-of-factly,
Pacing like a caged lion,
Looking for something to eat.
“aren’t these guys worth you sticking around?”
was all she said, and I said yes,
and whisper my apologies,
not sure if they even heard,
but yes, they are worth me sticking around.
All the rest, the car getting repossessed,
money disappearing in garnishments,
Double-jeopardy, they took too much,
Whatever and ever and amen,
Doesn’t mean a flippn thing.
They are worth being here for,
Despite whatever it is we go through,
Not sure where this road will lead,
Stop measuring myself by someone else’s standards,
Living begins here and now,
Not tomorrow, not yesterday,
Not in the shadows or the in-between.