quicksand

Standing on quicksand,
Uneasy/queasy/sinking feeling,
Try not to move/try not to panic,
Breathe in/breath out.
Every time I turn my head,
Feels like I’m gonna puke,
Focus/focus/right now,
Grab on to something real.
Mental quicksand/sinking,
Sinking thoughts/sinking feeling,
Nothing to grab/nothing to do,
Can’t breathe/can’t move.
Rusty-is this how you felt,
Who do you trust/what do you do,
Is this how it was that singular night,
Up on the bridge/overlooking the river.
I was so pissed at you,
So pissed for the kids,
So pissed for your mom,
How you’ve been missed.
So flipping angry all over again,
When I heard what Charlie did,
Followed dad’s example,
What the hell could be so damn serious?
Reality melts away oozing,
Sickly sweet/nauseatingly sweet,
Slides off the face/slides off my mind,
Like that day that Uncle D passed away.
Black asphalt underfoot,
As I walked through the parking lot,
Humid/sticky air/sweaty armpits,
Stomach doing flips and somersaults.
Walking to the funeral home,
Gaunt/teary-eyed faces,
Aunts and uncles and cousins,
That I barely recognized.
This one and that one half-stoned,
Maybe that’s how they deal,
Maybe that’s how they survive,
Numb themselves so they don’t feel.
Rusty, did your demons overtake you,
Did your fears and hallucinations win,
Maybe I see/maybe I understand,
But I still don’t forgive you.
Heart-broken used cuckolded man,
What could possibly be worse,
What could possibly make you stay,
Maybe your kids/maybe your mom.
Paranoia destroyed you,
Paranoia is stalking me,
But I’m gonna stay and fight,
Gonna stick around just out of spite.
You really showed her,
Whatever the hell her name is,
Can’t even remember anymore,
Turns out you just paved the way.
Jekyll and Hyde personality,
Laughing and joking but hiding,
Thinly veiled anger and pain,
Snap/snap/snapping away.
Went to visit and see the kids,
Newly abandoned by wife number one,
Happy to angry in 6 seconds flat,
Biting off heads and façade melted.
In that moment I saw myself,
Reminded me of my dad,
All our uncles and aunts,
Family legacy writ on your face.
So here I am detoxed,
Clean and sober first time,
In I don’t know how long,
Pursued by my demons again.
Free and clear of my meds,
Forgot who I’m supposed to be,
Now I remember/how ironic,
I was running from me.
Buckle your seat belts kids,
Its gonna be a rough ride,
Your moodiness plus mine,
We’ll do the best we can.
Can’t trust anyone else,
No more chemical-induced cool,
This is who I am/this is us,
No more pharmaceutical crutches.
No one said life was going to be easy,
Never expected the everyday to be so hard,
Wake up/show up/do what you must,
Live a life/blaze your trail/return to dust.
That is all there is/all that is asked,
Just living your life and loving life,
As it turns out/this is the toughest task,
Head in quicksand/feet in the clouds.