half-lit

Sliding along the back alley,
Armed with coins and returnable bottles,
Splashing through the flooded parking lot,
Half-lit (me and the lot), bathed in darkness,
Hidden from sight, hidden from self.
Another beer run in the middle of the night,
Stagger through the door, into the store,
Drop off my empties, count my change,
Do the math in my head, deposit plus tax,
Adds almost another buck, do I have enough?
Oh crap, don’t think so--no wait,
Yes I do, shuffle off to the counter,
Try not to make eye contact, don’t know why,
If I act too friendly, they’ll know I’m fried,
I come here too often, they see me all the time.
I’m a solitary drunk, I like to drink alone,
No witnesses to my stupidity, no one to remind,
Drown my sorrows, bury my regrets,
Some drink for fun, I drink to forget,
Past, present and things not even done yet.
The first drink is to alleviate the pain,
To help me forget, to clear my brain,
But then the alcohol takes over,
Feeding itself, growing ever larger,
Barreling off the tracks like a freight train.
Crash after crash, it’s all the same,
Bottles littering the kitchen, beer dripping,
Leaking onto the tiles, onto old newspapers,
Sticky sweetness oozing into my pores,
As I drag my calloused feet across the floor.
Emotional rollercoaster day-to-day,
Hung-over, exhausted, taste of bile on lips,
Throat burning, stomach churning,
Caffeine overload to clear my head,
Half-awake, half-alive, half-asleep, half-dead.
I’m writing checks that will never clear,
Spending money that’s not mine,
Carrying everyone else’s fair share,
Doing everybody else’s work,
Running everything and myself into the dirt.
When backed into a corner, I adjust my paradigm,
Lower my expectations, of myself and everyone else,
Any lower and I’ll be on the floor, backed into the wall.
I lied to myself, said none of that mattered,
But now here I am, psyche utterly shattered,
Playing someone else’s game with unfamiliar rules,
What do I do now, where do I turn,
How many more lessons must I learn?
Sanity is slipping away, losing my grip,
Walking the razor’s edge, sliced myself open,
Alcohol-addled brain, overtaken, overcome,
Where was it that I had hoped to go,
Did I really believe I was in control?