alive and well

Raise the glass to my sorry ass,
From the far side of the bar,
I stumble across and swipe that smile,
It crumbles and falls to the floor.
Stalking out, drunken louts,
A slap to the face, punch to the head,
Another in self-defense,
Or so I claim, all in vain.
Somehow made it home,
Vaguely remember shouting,
Arguing about six months prior,
Vaguely remember downing the pills.
My heartbeat represented by waves of light,
Went through various levels and rings,
Down to the very last one,
Reddish-orange and strong.
But then it stops, fades into nothing,
The heart beating in my chest,
The beating heart of the sun,
The burning center of the universe.
Still, still, still, echoes into nothingness,
The last beat the loudest of them all,
Echoing into endless tomorrows,
Fading beyond sight and sound.
Eyes half open, breathing labored,
Frothing at the mouth,
Face swollen, overdosed again,
Taken to the car and driven.
Couldn’t concentrate, couldn’t think,
Thoughts just kept going round and round,
Circular motion, endless loop,
Couldn’t finish a single sentence.
I kept repeating the same things,
Over and over and over,
Head spinning, words spinning,
Everything spinning outta control.
They stripped me down in the E.R.,
Hooked me up to I.V.’s,
Catheter to drain my bladder,
I was barely getting enough oxygen.
Ten hours later finally let go,
But I forgot to mention,
I was under close supervision,
And I was let go to another facility.
Telephoned up to use the elevator,
Walked me through double-locked doors,
Into the closed area, no escape,
No laces, no belts, nothing.
Nothing that anyone could use at all,
To harm themselves in any way,
No mirrors, no razors, no scissors,
Not even a TV, just six spare rooms.
Marcus in the padded one, all alone,
Talking to God, who lives in the ceiling,
Gina talking to herself, while wetting her bed,
And Jim—Vietnam Vet—disheveled and gone.
There was also the one-armed man,
Just out of prison, wasted the last ten years,
April with pneumonia, hair like Jim’s,
And Doug, always punching himself.
They fed us well, if you like American food,
Decaffeinated coffee and pop, no smoking,
Starches and canned fruit, drank lots of water,
Ate burgers and cold fries, and whatever else.
I spoke to doctors, nurses, techs,
Even social workers, explained to them,
Just as to everyone else, what happened,
At least what I could remember.
I blamed it on the booze, sent me over the edge,
But that’s not quite half true, less than half,
The fault lies with me, and my petty views,
Taking it out on whomever I choose.
B stayed with me almost all day,
That first long day in the E.R.,
I think I would have lost it otherwise,
No lectures, no anger, just support.
If she had cut me loose, let me go,
Would have fallen apart under lock and key,
She told me it would be all right,
And sometimes hearing that is enough.
I didn’t crumble, I didn’t fade,
Told my story, see how it played,
Pushed for release, little by little,
Put on my best face, blamed the booze.
So they let me go after two days,
Almost unheard of—minimum is three,
But somehow, some way, I stepped out,
And I have to work on fixing my life.
The things that I’ve done to myself,
The beliefs I cling to out of spite,
Somehow some way, she still believes,
Still stands by me, despite all the grief.
Selfishly doing what I selfishly do,
Putting the blame on so many others,
It’s me-it’s me-it’s me-no one else,
Doing these things to me every day.
And still she sticks around, still worries,
Won’t allow me to destroy myself,
Won’t allow me to throw it all away,
Just out of spite, out of anger, fear.
To that list of people I owe,
She is foremost forever more,
Can never repay her in this lifetime,
Might take me a couple, three or four.
I do love you, that I know,
And again, I hurt you beyond reason,
And hurt the children, again,
Seems like I’m only creating pain.
So here we begin anew, another day,
Another view of the same old thing,
But today is different, something changed,
Can no longer keep on staying the same.
I had said that I needed to go on retreat,
To fast or go to the temple and meditate,
It seems like life gave me no choice,
Put me in a place where I had to shut up.
I am free to come and go as I please,
No longer on lockdown, no longer being watched,
Laughing at everything, laughing my self,
Seeing things for the very first time.
Too much wasted time, too many wrong turns,
Living my life the wrong way, waiting for what,
“Do as I say, not as I do,” a negative example,
Try to explain all this to my children and wife.
I forgot to tell you about my dream that fateful night—
Was told to live my life for someone else,
Stop living it only for myself, focus on others,
Before I destroy myself living it as I do.
What’s not to understand, can’t be simpler,
Shut off the noises inside, doubts and paranoia,
Focus on that which is without, open to life,
Experience the here-and-now before it is gone.
Give up my daily meditations on hate,
Of the constant struggle to justify the self,
Live this life and let go of illusion,
Break free of all my delusions,
Make life better for my loved ones,
Before my work on this earth is done,
Toil for those have kept me alive and well,
Through heaven and all my self-made hells.