spoke too soon

Depression stalking me as I pretend otherwise,
Spoke too soon spoke too often,
Always talking but saying nothing.
Promises made left unfulfilled,
Like the pile of leaves rotting in the yard,
Never quite made it to the curb.
Saying what should not be said,
Not saying what needs to be,
Going along resentfully resigned.
Thought I had learned from my mistakes,
I keep making new ones,
Another day another disaster.
Ruthie talking about her daughter in the kitchen,
Living on fish sticks and cheese burgers,
I ate ravioli and drank Faygo.
Either or reminds me of the blackest times,
I never mix the two together since,
Lest I unleash long buried demons.
Trying to forge a new path,
Asking for others to come along,
Journeying to cleanse myself.
Plans I make falling apart already,
Just wanted to do something positive,
Something out of the norm.
Jumpstart my new life,
Leaving behind the sordid ugliness,
Reaching for something uncomplicated.
My calls go unanswered,
My messages not returned,
And so it goes and so I shall still go.
Tired and sickened by the toxic youth,
But not a youth anymore,
Will choose something new.
What and who am I,
What do I want to be,
Within reason, within reach.
I wanna be free like Marley said,
Free from roadblocks along my way,
But there is no outer protagonist.
There is no policeman threatening,
Asking me for my documents,
There is only me.
Blocking my own way,
Tripping myself up,
Not willing to believe.
Sorry about the bombast,
Sick little puppy,
Striving to get well. . .