a dream i dreamt

I dreamt that I was dreaming a dream
About you, me, and everyone we knew
All the same as here in this plane
But yet different somehow.
I dreamt about the children but they were older
And I was still skateboarding,
Looking for my gear before heading out,
I stopped to tell E that I loved him.
But he was so much older than he is now,
Maybe twelve years older and much taller than me-
On his way to high school I suppose.
The older kids came home later,
Dropping in to visit their baby brother, mom, and dad.
In twelve years, I will be just shy of 50,
You still in your mid-forties,
Lots of life beyond that I hope,
But I looked and felt old,
But yet satisfied somehow.
It’s been fifteen years since we first met,
So hard to believe—
So much has passed from then to now.
Some good things have happened in between,
Some other things I would sooner forget I suppose.
We have changed as individuals, as a couple;
But that has to be expected I suppose.
I find myself wondering and questioning,
But I realize that life is just like that sometimes—
Paradigms, viewpoints, perspectives have all shifted,
Life has not turned out quite the way I had imagined.
I am not the person that I had imagined.
There is the rub—how do I relate to life now?
I have blamed it solely on the outer universe,
But it is the inner universe that I am angry about.
That is the journey that lies ahead for us both,
Coming to terms with what is and what we had wished was,
But I can tell you nothing of what I will discover inside—
That is all foreign territory to me.
So what shall we find, how will we respond?
I suppose we will know in fifteen more years—
Whatever we find, I hope you are there to share with me.

Shiloh was in my dream as well—
Smiling and doting on her kids as usual,
Not sure what message that was supposed to convey.
I thought about it for a moment as I sat in the car,
Mind cluttered with wants and needs,
Suddenly something sliced through the haze,
The trees in front of me came suddenly alive.
Crystal clear sight of nothing special—
Just trees, but it was miraculous all the same.
Cutting through the haze and living in the moment,
Paying attention to the life that is right before me,
Has always been a struggle.
Living as I did as a child,
fantasy saved me from facing reality—
it was a way of protecting myself.
I cling to that way of relating to the world,
Afraid to face the everyday with a clear and open mind—
Co-workers, mortgages, bills, any and every conflict
all chase me back inside my shell.
I only recently started paying attention to the weather,
Cognizant for the first time because of skateboarding-
A young man’s game perhaps, but liberating all the same.
Atop the board on an ten foot wall,
You need to be paying attention—
Failing to do so can result in serious damage.
My joints and muscles are all aching,
But I feel good for the first time in a long time.
The concrete occasionally jumps up to bite me,
to remind me to pay attention—
a gentle reminder to let me know that I am alive.