damaged goods

damaged goods rotting on the tarmac,
plane bound for Bangkok despite a military coup,
no blood spilled in the transfer of power,
no delay to the big falang’s holiday in the sun.
left behind yet again-no rapture, no judgment,
left to fend for ourselves however we can.
caught up in the euphoria of adventure,
yet again the children are forgotten.
I should not miss what I never had,
their physical distance mirrors the emotional,
their lack of concern should be no surprise.
damaged and rotting kicked about and misplaced,
you left us alone—with family, but we were nothing to them.
Eurasian bastards that bore the brunt of their mother’s shame,
we were living monuments to your fall from grace.
used abused and ridiculed we had no one to turn to,
those we trusted took advantage of our situation.
we were only babies and could not fend for ourselves,
I have been blaming myself this whole time for being powerless,
for being damaged—not worthy of love or anything else.
damaged goods rotting and stinking up your middle class home,
not worthy of respect, kindness or any human emotion.
It was my fault, my fault, only five years old,
But it was all my fault . . .
everyone told me I had no father-I didn’t until I was five,
they told me my mother didn’t even love me—
did she? Why didn’t she live with me?
even worse was what happened when I met father,
starting living with my mother—
the beatings the yelling the walking on eggshells,
and she never stopped it never told him to stop.
I deserved it though—I didn’t deserve anything else,
Just rotten stinking garbage taking up valuable space,
damaged goods that someone forgot to discard.
I deserved it I was to blame I brought it on myself—
I should have been stronger I should have behaved better,
I should not have been so useless so deserving of scorn.
I am done with all of this, you are both dead to me,
not that you had been anything but—
you were both a dream and an illusion that could never be.
you abandoned your children and lived lives devoid of love,
I owe you the priceless debt of life,
but you are not my parents and never were.
you can take all your blame ridicule shame regret,
all your useless damaged selves back to Thailand,
and leave me the hell alone.