salad days

hit a wall some time ago,
sunny days find me driving past the park,
too busy too preoccupied by my life,
the what-ifs piling up in the closet,
alone so alone even when i go,
baggy shorts and punk rock t-shirt,
feel so out of place so out of my element,
left my style left my muse,
going through the motions all the same,
fish board stuck to my soles,
the halcyon days keep calling to me,
days when everything fell away,
no rider no board just skating,
caressing the magic walls with my SPF's,
board no longer seperate but an extension,
no mind first mind original mind,
unfettered by fear or loss or time,
dropping lower bending those knees,
flying higher almost set free,
aching joints burning lungs,
whipping into the corners,
clearing out the mental cobwebs,
nothing but being and doing,
having nothing but the thrill of speed,
higher and higher reach out and grab maple,
concave surface holding me on,
hubbas and pyramids flying underfoot,
propelled toward some unknown future,
semi-controlled riding the flow,
catching a glimpse of the eternal,
padded and protected and pushing my limits,
only competing with this very same self,
encased in this blood and flesh container,
miigwetch/thank you for this day,
sun shining in blue skies,
clouded echoes of mythical past,
white and black wheels fly over concrete,
nothing left to prove i'm finally complete...

theresa

Dirt brown Chevy Chevette,
No power anything,
Had to stomp on the brakes,
Wrestle with the steering wheel,
Drove over to Noir Leather that one time,
No radio so we had a boom box,
Asked you if I should bring it,
Like I was gonna walk around with it on my shoulder,
Bust out some break dance moves or something,
Dorky things we do and say,
Just went looking for some tshirts,
Turns out you were just showing off,
To me and your ex all at the same,
I guess we were on a date,
Really wish that I had known,
Not that anything would have changed,
Or things could have turned out worse,
If that’s even possible.
Had me go pick up your friend,
Proto-goth girl with spiky hair,
Shaved to stubble on the sides,
My usual blah blah blah self,
Never realized we were a couple,
Sitting in your room listening to Brit-pop—
The Smiths, the Cure, New Order,
You with your extreme Veronica Lake,
Two-tone bangs past the chin,
Me somewhere between flattop and Mohawk,
Living in one city but wrapped up in another,
Switching schools half-way through,
So lost and completely oblivious.
The wanting hurt too much so I never asked,
Was way better off for the both of us,
I was like a disease you didn’t want to catch,
Parasitic possessiveness cloaked in flesh,
So we danced around one another,
One spring and one hot summer,
I ignored the clues and advances,
Just pals hanging out,
Massaged your foot after slam dancing,
Laughed at your jokes even though,
Half-stepping and ducking and diving,
Ignored your calls and visits,
Never took advantage of the drunken nights.
So you rewarded me by making out with someone else,
Amplifiers going full tilt,
Pit throbbing with angry music,
Puking out human spittle,
Stage lights silhouetted two figures,
Black clad and embracing,
Well I guess I missed my chance,
Went headlong into self-pity,
Pushed me back into sports,
Got that last varsity letter,
Wanted my fill of humiliation,
But the strange choices we make,
For whatever reason,
Just kept everything at a distance,
Keep telling myself I made the right ones.
So many people in and out of my life,
Keep on doing the same things,
Pushing and holding them at bay,
Never allowing anyone too close,
One misstep and I walk away,
Easier to judge than to forgive,
Life has been an interesting mess,
Just regret the many experiences I avoided,
Busy making up for lost time,
Too afraid to make mistakes back then,
But now I realize that’s half the fun.

Pattaya

salt water breeze blows in from the gulf,
traveling down hill from our townhouse,
white sand beaches in the early morning,
large parasols cover the landscape,
blue green water laps at my feet,
diving in i get a mouth fall of sea water,
salty and warm and stinging my eyes,
looking out for sea urchins and jellyfish,
rented a boat for the day,
watching the paragliders in the sea,
went fishing as i leaned over the side,
throwing up the previous night's dinner,
brightly colored boat cuts through the waves,
off to an outlying island,
full of tourists from Europe,
their pasty white skin overexposed,
walking around naked on the beach,
dad takes us up to the restaurant,
red snapper, squid and whatever else,
they cook whatever you catch,
and have extra if you're empty-handed,
a brief holiday for us before traveling here,
playing in the big black inner tubes,
hanging out with the American kids next door,
fighting over a tricycle that we found,
none of us understanding the other,
found an empty box in the trash,
a Playmobile train set with zoo animals,
the most wonderful thing I'd ever seen,
bought at the local Post Exchange,
these American kids had the best toys,
not like the cheap stuff us Thais had,
palm trees and fresh coconuts all around,
ate my first pizza right there in Pattaya,
the first and last time I've seen the ocean,
notorious for its bars and prostitutes,
a port-of-call for the U. S. Navy,
and merchant ships from around the world,
a little slice of heaven for a country boy,
born and raised among the rice paddies,
five hundred long miles to the northeast.

blood memories

blood splattered face,
can barely see out,
lying on my back,
grandma comes with candle water,
blessed by the monks,
splashes it on my eyebrow,
gouged and bloodied,
fell on the foot bridge,
from the dirt road to the compound,
has me drink the concoction as well,
closest thing to medicine,
within twenty-some miles,
the way its been for generations,
grams turns on a kerosene lamp,
as darkness overtakes the village,
just beyond the regional hub,
just on the cusp of the nineteenth century,
oxcarts and water buffaloes,
drawing water from the river,
lamps and candles to light our nights,
riding in the back of a truck to the city,
dirt roads disappearing behind us,
as we fly eastward and forward in time,
stand in awe on the city street,
automobiles and electrical lines,
movie theaters showing Clint Eastwood,
giant billboards above multi-story buildings,
Americans living on and around the Air Force base,
like me but still so different,
speaking in a language i didn't understand,
looking for my father around every corner,
wondering what he looked like,
couldn't imagine the life he lived over here,
we stopped and ate our sticky rice,
street vendors lined up and down,
we went back to wait for the truck/bus,
stopped and paid our respects to our neighbors,
the ones that died in a car crash,
two pairs of flip-flops lined up next to each other,
one adult and one child's pair,
blood stained and empty,
i remember staring at the bodies,
as they lay in the house next to ours,
the smell of death creeping out,
over the stairs and into the yard,
loud music blaring from speakers,
hooked up to generators from the city,
the young boy was just a little older than me,
never lived to see his village tansform,
went from agrarian to the information age,
in twenty-some years,
my family now sits and watches t.v.,
American Idol and Baywatch,
talking on their cellphones,
driving their second and third-hand cars,
eletrical wires criss-crossing the skies,
bathrooms in every home,
no more sneaking into the neighbor's garden,
scrounging for leaves and grass to wipe,
and i sit half a world away,
longing for a yesterday that is long gone,
just a memory to all of them,
i look in the mirror and look at my scar,
across my eyebrow on the right,
no stitches no tylenol just toughed it out,
and it remains on my face to remind me,
of all the yesterdays and the way we used to live.

stunted & blunted

stunted and blunted,
made the least of my opportunities,
stepped aside and stepped away,
left no trace of my existence,
an enigma to most,
but mostly to myself,
what is it i really wanted,
why am i still hiding away,
living yesterday's daydreams,
putting everything off until tomorrow,
watching the days slowly disappear,
killing time and waiting for death,
maybe i'm the one that wasn't meant to live,
outlasted my cousin somehow,
just two days my senior,
he took my name but i took his days,
now left wondering what to do,
grams in the kitchen mixing her potions,
managed to buy me some time,
the last thing i ever wanted,
never felt a part of anything,
always on the outside looking in,
what is it that i need,
what will it take to make me live,
to feel that i am worthy,
that i deserve to want and to have,
so my remaining days aren't wasted,
an ache gnawing at my insides,
knowing that it could have been different,
but always getting in my own way,
blunting reality and stunting my growth,
its time to move on time to heal,
time is so short but its all i have,
the magic never last,
it always fades,
slipping away like my finite days.

settle for less

when did you decide to settle for less,
when did you just give up,
did you ever really try,
did you give up before you even started,
you believed all the lies they told you,
never thought you deserved anything more,
went for the path of least resistance,
only took what they offered,
never fought for anything more,
washed up/never been right out of the gate,
you never even gave yourself a chance,
at least you were consistent,
shooting yourself in the foot at every turn,
you told me long ago you'd be different,
didn't want to live a life of quiet desperation,
but look at you know,
no longer so loud and brave,
what happened along the way,
what made you decide to just give in,
what happened to all that potential,
the endless horizons and the dreams,
the bravado of youth,
gagged and tucked away somewhere,
the only thing you ever really had,
and you threw it all away for what,
so now what do you do kid,
wasting away your days
in a drunken haze,
because you can't stand what you've become,
never thought I'd see this,
can't believe you folded so easy,
thought you'd fight to the end,
but turns out you never even started.

King of the Fish Clan

I'm sure the Three Fires people think highly of turtle,
he's the King of the Fish Clan or something important,
they named that island after him--Mackinac,
but actually Mkinaaw or something like that,
Turtle Island is the name of this continent as well,
my Anishiinaabe has never been that good,
surrounded by the sounds of their language,
mispronounced, misspelled, misunderstood,
echoes of their voices throughout this place,
along the streams and rivers and lakes,
short squat hills and tree-lined lanes,
fancy subdivisions where they buried their dead,
their descendents hiding amongst the invaders,
blending in and trying to pretend,
collecting things to fill up whats missing,
losing and forgetting the best parts yet,
my own struggle in this beautiful land,
part Nodwe, the Nishnab word for poisonous snake,
what they called their enemies the Iroquois,
pushed out of Ontario two hundred years ago,
but I lived with them on Manitoulin,
the dwelling place of the spirit,
and found them to be stong and kind,
Odawa/Ojibwe/Bodawatomi peoples of the lakes,
a day's journey to the north and east by canoe,
in the Lake of the Hurons before the war,
the great turtle island was the first to surface,
after the Great Flood and home to Giichii Manidoo,
then a gathering place and burial ground for chiefs,
now trampled by tourists in the summer,
turtle probably has much to say on this,
but we forgot his language eons ago,
Nanaboozhoo shuddering in his grave,
how we've changed and forgotten the ways...

google-earth

i was cruising thru the old neighborhood again,
thanks to Google-Earth, closest i can get,
so much has changed, nothing stays the same,
two different neighborhoods twelve miles apart,
time and distance can't stall progress,
the woods north of the middle school are gone,
some kind of business with rows of trailers,
metallic monoliths rusting in the sun,
remember all the crazy stuff we had stumbled upon,
thought somebody had been living there,
or at least used it just to have sex,
old discarded mattress and condoms,
beer and booze and broken glass,
maybe just some reckless youths,
just wasting away the long summer day,
or energized by the approaching twilight,
burning branches and limbs,
shrugged off by the sickly trees,
nothing now but a memory,
the play fields of our youth,
reduced and chopped down,
to make room for homes and businesses,
steady progress can't be stopped,
but i feel as if something's been lost,
but now too late to go back,
nothing is much the same at all,
if I could go back what would I do,
if I could go back what would be different,
maybe I would actually try this time around,
maybe I would let myself live this time,
maybe I wouldn't be too scared to do,
but then again I'd probably do it all over again.

that song

I think i got that song,
the one about Armageddon or whatever,
four whole chords nothing more,
I can show you how to play it if you like,
want to bring you along,
want to fix everything I've done wrong,
want you to learn that anything's possible,
all the things i always put aside,
hey, I got part of the solo to another tune,
that one by Silverstein,
remember I thought that classmate was a fan?
I was gonna ask her but turns out that was her name,
woulda been embarrasing for you I'm sure,
your old man thinking he's cool,
but look, seriously, just want you to know,
anything's possible--just open your mind,
so much i've left untried,
so much has been left unsaid,
things seem to be falling together,
now that i've given up,
just living day-to-day,
got nothing much to look forward to,
but that guitar and the board,
both give me hope of something better,
stupid i know but the way it is,
that solo is pretty cool,
forget that Black Sabbath-crappola,
too moody for me too old school I guess,
ooh, well I take that back,
the lyrics are pretty dark after all--
maybe freudian, if I believed in him,
which i don't say never mind,
but here's the last part:

Silverstein- Smashed Into Pieces

You made me swear [x2].
I, I can't sleep.
Realize all these things that you took from me.
Smash my heart (you made me swear)
into dust. (you made me swear)
Suffocate my mind. (you made me swear)
Tear at me from inside. (you made me swear)
Smash apart what you created.
How can i ever stop you from crushing my soul?
It was, it was yours, yours to begin with

04.19.08

Had a real fun session with my oldest today,
over at Ranney in Lansing,
one of the best days I've had in a long, long time...
was flowing really well>good speed, nice and high on the wall,
just a few inches below the coping,
nice smooth kickturns and carves all the way around...
man, what a kickass day...
my son fell a coupla times, but this was the first time he's skated in about 6 months, and he's grown almost 3 inches in that time span,
so he's rusty and trying to get used to his new body as well.

now i'm retabbing some Minor Threat songs,
playing some Husker Du on the electric and drinking PBR,
I really don't think it gets any better than this...