theresa

Dirt brown Chevy Chevette,
No power anything,
Had to stomp on the brakes,
Wrestle with the steering wheel,
Drove over to Noir Leather that one time,
No radio so we had a boom box,
Asked you if I should bring it,
Like I was gonna walk around with it on my shoulder,
Bust out some break dance moves or something,
Dorky things we do and say,
Just went looking for some tshirts,
Turns out you were just showing off,
To me and your ex all at the same,
I guess we were on a date,
Really wish that I had known,
Not that anything would have changed,
Or things could have turned out worse,
If that’s even possible.
Had me go pick up your friend,
Proto-goth girl with spiky hair,
Shaved to stubble on the sides,
My usual blah blah blah self,
Never realized we were a couple,
Sitting in your room listening to Brit-pop—
The Smiths, the Cure, New Order,
You with your extreme Veronica Lake,
Two-tone bangs past the chin,
Me somewhere between flattop and Mohawk,
Living in one city but wrapped up in another,
Switching schools half-way through,
So lost and completely oblivious.
The wanting hurt too much so I never asked,
Was way better off for the both of us,
I was like a disease you didn’t want to catch,
Parasitic possessiveness cloaked in flesh,
So we danced around one another,
One spring and one hot summer,
I ignored the clues and advances,
Just pals hanging out,
Massaged your foot after slam dancing,
Laughed at your jokes even though,
Half-stepping and ducking and diving,
Ignored your calls and visits,
Never took advantage of the drunken nights.
So you rewarded me by making out with someone else,
Amplifiers going full tilt,
Pit throbbing with angry music,
Puking out human spittle,
Stage lights silhouetted two figures,
Black clad and embracing,
Well I guess I missed my chance,
Went headlong into self-pity,
Pushed me back into sports,
Got that last varsity letter,
Wanted my fill of humiliation,
But the strange choices we make,
For whatever reason,
Just kept everything at a distance,
Keep telling myself I made the right ones.
So many people in and out of my life,
Keep on doing the same things,
Pushing and holding them at bay,
Never allowing anyone too close,
One misstep and I walk away,
Easier to judge than to forgive,
Life has been an interesting mess,
Just regret the many experiences I avoided,
Busy making up for lost time,
Too afraid to make mistakes back then,
But now I realize that’s half the fun.