penned in

Penned in by time and circumstance,
Boring you with my long silences,
Each of us hoping I leave much unsaid,
Pretend that we don’t notice,
But maybe it’s for the best,
Too much drama everywhere else,
No expectations, no strings,
Leave things as they are for now,
Unknown pleasures shared and released,
This remains unnamed and unattached,
Transcending language and limitations,
A life simply lived instead of overanalyzed,
Reduced to catch phrases and labels,
Unbound by our grasping minds,
Springs forth of its own volition,
Organic in nature and composition,
Watch it grow, watch it grow
No words, no judgments,
See where it takes us,
Then let it go, let it go.

mind of its own

The river with a mind of its own,
Constantly jumping over the banks,
Wild and free,
Dragging everything downstream,
Powerful and beautiful at the same time.
Luscious landscape scene,
Rolling hills and verdant valleys,
Over the flat plains,
Lose myself in the nooks and crannies,
Down to the wooded strip,
Into the vale of bliss,
Pungent and sweet,
Back up to the mounds,
Liquid flowing underneath,
Life-giving force of nature,
Smooth and pure as driven snow,
Taut against the air,
Like flesh about to spring into action,
Holding on for life,
Holding on to the earth mother,
Bosom of creation,
I lose myself,
I lose myself,
Disappear into the landscape.

bike lanes

The city threw up bike lanes,
But nothing has even changed,
It was supposed to slow the flow,
But the cars speed through even though,
Four lanes reduced to two,
Plus a turn lane that’s brand new,
Hardly a soul as I pedal to work,
Other than a few random jerks,
Flashing their brights at me,
One flash now I can’t see,
Some drivers pass me in the center lane,
I’m glad they give me some space,
But is their driving that really that poor,
Maybe I’ll squeeze into the lane a little more,
Watching folks roll through stop signs,
Driving too fast, driving out of their minds,
Busy talking on their cell phones,
I’m just trying to get home,
Don’t hit me, don’t run me over,
Pray that you’re all semi-sober

fragments II

can't hardly breathe, air crushing my lungs,
nerves shot to hell, no escape no hope,
every passing glance an accusation,
no refuge from prying eyes,
hide myself amongst the trash and garbage,
the moldy stench of surrender,
the butt of all the inside jokes,
waking up in a cold sweat,
all the lies laid out before my eyes,
delusion and treason woven into every pore,
who to believe, who to trust,
silently screaming on the inside,
phone ringing off the hook,
operators barking orders to my left,

entropy the only truth, only death is real,
all else lies and fabrications,
drunken stupor just to quiet my mind,
only to wake up and live through it all again,
body betrays me all the time,
facial tics and a slip of the tongue,
stomach cramps and a jittery leg,
sweat oozing from every orifice,
burning from the inside out,
the children look at me with wondering eyes,
I look away and remain silent,
Not wanting to fill their heads with more lies,
See my failure written on their faces,
As I stand dying right before their eyes.

song fragments I

Happy for bits and pieces,
Just alright in between my fixes,
Always looking for something else,
Blaming everyone but myself,
And so it goes for so many years,
Between nicotine fits and beers,
Waiting for the next shoe to drop,
What’s wrong, well whatja got?

Whatja got, sure I’ll hate it,
Whatja got, yeah I’m jaded,
Whatja got, you can’t fix me,
Whatja got, then it hits me,
Whatja got, I don’t need it,
Anger so deep-seated,
Don’t care whatja got.

This silly song is about nothing,
Can’t play guitar, can’t even sing,
Three simple chords and distortion,
Rhyming couplets perfectly proportioned,
Playing music just to soothe my soul,
Living just for rock and roll,
With that massive guitar roar,
Playing third generation post-hard-core,
Three chords and not much more,

fragments I

Contours and curves,
Smiles and looks,
Soft hair falling around my face,
Smooth undulating sheets underneath,
The rise and crest of cottony bliss,

Breathe you in as you exhale,
Little deaths from time to time,
Longing for more,
Heart beating through my chest,
Thoughts stand still for a moment

Light seeps through the window,
Time stands silently watching,
Chest rises and falls,
Deep breath in deep breath out,
A thousand tomorrows put on hold.

One infinite moment unbounded,
A brief glimpse of the eternal,
All else falls away,
No questions no judgments,
Sweet eternal bliss for one moment.

Walked down to the river,
Patches of ice and snow over the trail,
Where I wasted so much time and sweat,
Lost myself and found myself,
Dreaming of you the whole time.

Don’t think I’m gonna look back and laugh,
Just wanna forget the whole thing,
Tuning out as much as I can,
If anyone’s crazy enough to listen,
Then the blame lies with them.

Super phat stacks, rained on half way,
Shrouded in mist, had nothing to say,
The fragrance smacked me in the face,
Even before I knew you were in the place,
Had to go out and look, just need to see,
Just to torture myself, and that’s when it hit me,
Just killing time in between, days fly by,
But time stands still, when by my side

Small moments, when I can hear time tick away,
Just enough at times, keeps the demons at bay,
Can’t break away, can’t find another route,
Trapped and sinking, not wanting a way out,
Intense moments even doing nothing,
Just small talk, but it feels like something,
I never know how to feel, the air goes electric,
I hear my heartbeat, I hear the seconds tick,
Just the mere presence, just being in the vicinity,
What does it all mean, maybe just some kind of affinity,
Just enough to keep me wondering, never too much,
Keep coming back for more, keeps me caught in the clutch

A socially awkward moment,
At least once every single day,
Or so I’ve heard,
So the experts supposedly say,
I’ve surpassed my quota,
By at least five-fold,
Barely finishing my sentences,
Shaking and shivering from the cold,
Sputtering and spitting out random words,
Making up my own twisted sayings,
As sense goes out the window,
Minutes away from going stark mad raving,
Almost hollowed out, shoutn out loud

chasing the moon

had this crazy dream last night
was there with my ex trying to work it out
ended up just giving up just like before
then another came along and promised me so much more
but I knew they would all turn into lies
knew from the beginning but just kept trying
then I rolled over and there you were
perfect form perfect morning
soft and warm as you turn
dimples above your cheeks
as your warmth engulfs me
as I grab and knead
holding on for dear life
but then I’m alone again
running from room to room
as water starts to rise from below
from depths unseen and unknown
slowly it starts to recede
damaged wood and sunken floors
picking up my duffel bag to leave
then realize that I’m under arrest
I try to explain and try to creep
but the darkness closes in on me
and I awaken with a start
aching back and spinning head
go through the motions once again
searching for clothes and shoes
cluttered floor cluttered mind
I finally stumble out to my bike
full moon floats above the treetops
its work done for the night
it slinks away in the early morning
as I chase it westward through the darkness
silently rolling over deserted streets
as the cobwebs start to fade away

Husker Du?

You were wearing your big floppy hat,
And that smile that would make Mona Lisa envious,
As we sat on the beach outside Tel Aviv,
Mediterranean Sea lapping at our legs,
White caps waving to us from the sand bar,
As we ate falafel and lamb and shooed away seagulls,
Or that long arduous hike up the Himalayan foot hills,
Following monks on their pilgrimage in the Nepalese frontier,
The rooftop of the world, didn’t care as long as you were there,
Reminding me that everything was alright, that it was o.k.,
To want and to need, dreaming my silly dreams,
All the while watching the world go by,
Within and without, accepting things as they are,
The setting sun never more beautiful,
Than when I am with you, regardless of locale,
And so I keep remembering, as time flies past.

Do You Remember?

Remember that time, long ago but seems like yesterday,
You and I in the boat, off the Italian coast,
Blue green waters of the Adriatic Sea,
Salt water spraying us both, tossing us around,
No place to be, nothing but time on our hands,
Or that time when we went to Hong Kong,
Going from stall to stall, just to see what we could find,
Cluttered alleyways, teeming with millions,
But you were the only one that mattered to me,
Or the temple in Bangkok, with a sea of humanity,
Monks giving traditional tattoos on festival days,
The tropical heat pressing down, my shirt drenched,
Your sun dress so cool to the touch, hugging you jealously,
As I dragged you off through crowded city streets,
Or biking through the French countryside, in high summer,
Before stopping into a roadside bistro, baguettes and ragout…

Dinosaur Jr.

I was sitting at work the other day, listening to Dinosaur Jr.’s Green Mind cd, and the student intern stopped by and picked up the case to check it out. He tells me Dinosaur Jr. is playing at a new local venue, just up the road from the state university. I inform him that he must be mistaken, no way, no how is Dinosaur Jr. playing in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the Midwest, a good decade after lead singer/guitarist/songwriter J. Mascis finally disbanded the group.
Never mind the fact that they had a reunion album/tour a year or so ago, no way were they going to be playing in my town. I guess they sold out the two shows they did down the road in Ann Arbor, at the legendary Blind Pig, but I thought the reunion was just a short-lived excursion. Another missed opportunity to catch one of my favorite hardcore/post-punk bands live in person.
Oh well, I never liked Ann Arbor all that much anyways.
I’ve been re-buying all my favorite cds from the mid-eighties to the mid-nineties lately—Husker Du, the Replacements, Sonic Youth, the Descendents, and Dinosaur Jr. among them. I just happened to be on a really big Dino kick of late—J.’s guitar playing and lyrics mirroring my mood on the eve of my fortieth birthday, I guess.
But then Tony, the student intern, comes back with a local rag that highlights musical and other happenings, and right there in black and white—Dinosaur Jr., playing TONIGHT. There was J. Mascis, long hair almost completely white, drummer Murph completely hair-free and bassist Lou Barlow (who went on to form Sebodoah and Folk Implosion), staring back at me.
I saw a few shows back in the day—Butthole Surfers, M.D.C., the Circle Jerks, etc.—saw some big name bands as well—Pink Floyd, Rush, Metallica, but never saw any of the bands that I was really passionate about. And all of a sudden, here was one of the biggies, just dropped into my lap unexpectedly.
And the worst part was that it was a week before payday, me totally penniless.
After some groveling, shouting and jumping around, my co-workers were nice enough to float some fundage. They probably were just trying to shut me up, but all the same, I was going to the show.
Now you have to understand that I never go anywhere by myself—not even the corner store or the gas station, not really sure why, but no one was interested in this band nor hanging out with me. Can’t say I blame them about the latter, but doesn’t anyone I know understand who these guys are?
In my mind, the whole alternative scene was built upon the blood and sweat of bands like Husker Du, Black Flag, the Replacements, the Pixies, Sonic Youth and Dinosaur Jr. Constant touring, limited airplay (other than on college radio stations), almost zero acknowledgement in the mainstream rock press, and limited commercial success were their reward—but bands like Nirvana, Green Day and what passes for punk these days, wouldn’t have happened if the Dinos and their contemporaries hadn’t paved the way for them.
I wanted to pay homage and give props to one of my heroes while I still could. Dinosaur Jr. could break up again tomorrow for all I know—and we all aren’t getting any younger. Maybe that’s what this whole thing is about with me, more than anything else. On the cusp of forty, all I think about are all the things I haven’t done and wish I had. I haven’t been published, haven’t even written that novel I had been planning, haven’t visited Thailand, haven’t pursued my master’s degree, and haven’t taken that cross-country trip . . . blah, blah, blah.
My list of things I wish I had done seems to get longer and longer everyday—but I can cross out seeing Dinosaur Jr. and can also cross out meeting J. Mascis. I met him and got to shake his hand, thanked him for all the great music and memories that he’s created for myself and others. Then I stood back and watched him play his Fender JazzMaster, in person, from less than ten feet away. I was alone, but surrounded by other admiring fans, bopping and grooving to familiar riffs rising above the sonic onslaught of the Marshall stack.
In the final analysis, what is there to say? I had a great time seeing a great band. It brought back good memories, but it also reminded me of how something so simple can bring me so much joy. J., Murph and Lou are all getting older—but so am I and everyone else, that’s kind of the way this whole life thing works.
Great music captures a moment or a feeling, and somehow one person conveys those feelings to someone else. Or someone can hear something and attach their own feelings and memories to a riff or a song. Either way, my ability to open myself to that experience had stagnated and seeing Dinosaur Jr awoke that feeling again. It feels good to be alive, albeit in an ever-changing (and ever-older) form.
I used to envy people like J. Mascis, but he’s probably got his own list of stuff he wishes he did, just from a different perspective. People like me live our lives inside our heads, maybe a little too much sometimes. If there is anything to envy, it’s the ability to put something out there to be judged and critiqued, without fear of how it affects your bottom line. Having the opportunity to do something you love and make a decent living from it seems like it would be a wonderful thing, but I’m sure it comes with its own baggage as well.
As a live band, Dinosaur Jr. hasn’t lost anything—J.’s guitar playing is phenomenal, Murph’s thudding drums shake you to the core and Lou’s bass playing—maybe the best I’ve ever seen. J. Mascis is a different person on stage, glasses off and hair tucked behind one ear, guitar at the ready and microphone in front of him. A couple of hundred people crowded in front of the stage, trying to get a glimpse of the band in action, many with cell phones and cameras in hand. The crowd was mostly in their twenties, but there were plenty of grey and bald heads bopping along to wave after wave of fuzzed out chordage.
J.’s vocals hide hesitatingly behind the wall of guitar noise and if you don’t know the words, you probably won’t understand a thing he’s saying, but then you probably wouldn’t be standing in the middle of a crowd of strangers listening to every nuanced chord progression, string bend, or arpeggio like it held the answers to life’s most vexing questions. As the band took the stage, Public Image Limited’s “Public Image” and Joy Division’s “Warsaw” set the tone and the timbre of the evening, dark figures adjusting the high hats and strapping on their guitars.
An hour and a half later, they whipped through an encore, playing “Freak Scene”, “I Feel the Pain of Everyone” and The Cure’s “Just like Heaven”. Confusion, angst, hope and love, all coiled around massive columns of sound and spinning away into the cold dark night. Note after note of songs old and new or freshly renewed by the time the crowd started spilling toward the exits, the band drenched in sweat, as they stood surveying the remains of their sonic carnage.
My ears were ringing as I walked to my car, and they would continue to do so for the next couple of days. The denseness of the sound followed me around wherever I went, normal everyday noises muffled. I really need to start wearing ear plugs to concerts (plenty in the crowd had them). If and when the opportunity arises again, hopefully I’ll be open to the experience. I’ll have to check out the internet to see if the Descendents or Sonic Youth are going to be playing somewhere in the state some time soon.