push/pull

push pull push pull
back and forth
what is it I want
wish i knew.
leave me alone
dont leave me
so all alone
loneliness killing me.
fix me put me together again
leave me be
dont need no friends
but then but then.
love me hate me
walk away just go away
nothing left inside
nothing to see here
just keep moving.
emptiness inside outside
all around nothing
void blackness death
but i know thats not true.
breath in breath out
i hear your breath
feel your heartbeat
but somehow out of reach.
i didnt mean those things i said
didnt mean to push you away
never meant to infect
everyone else with my dread.
didnt mean for anything
those things that i did
did because of my misery
seeped out somehow.
breathe focus on the breath
dont let my demons overtake
break and undo everything
demons inside of me.
mother father what did you do
you gave me life
but nothing else
but a longing for death.
living dead walking dead
humans but only partly so
showed me nothing
gave me no hope.
just want to live
a semi-normal life
just want to breath
just want to smile.
i am dead to you
you are dead to me
lets call it even
lets not call ever again.
mother father half way around the world
even when you were here
so far away so far from alive
how do you call that life.

z-man

A year ago we went down to Ollie’s,
Loaded up on boards and pads,
Then went to that janky park in Tecumseh,
My first bad slam, coming off the half-pipe.
We snuck off to Ranney at night,
Under the cover of darkness,
Too embarrassed to show our faces,
Too scared to fail in front of anyone.
I’ve had some bad slams since then,
Learned how to ride my board again,
Even dropped in just before New Year’s,
But twisted my knee, lost my cojones.
Look how far we have come in just a year,
You finally riding out a carve,
Me just underneath the coping,
And Little E flirting with high school girls.
Each of us developing at our own pace,
Learning as we go, letting the stoke grow,
Checking out different parks when we can,
And we even checked out Danforth’s skate jam.
Kickturns in the bowl, cruising down the banks,
We’ve got a ways to go before we’re done,
But the biggest thing was just showing up,
And having the guts to try something new.
I wish your sister would go as well,
But all too often she’s the only girl,
I’m not gonna push it for now,
She schools us at everything else as it is.
Your little brother, a little thunderbolt,
There will be plenty of time for all of us,
To get our skate on, get our gnar on,
We’ll struggle just to keep up with him.
So for now he talks to the girls,
Plays with his toys and slides on his bum,
He can pull himself out of the bowl,
Four-year-old already 4 feet and 50 lbs.
You and I are so much alike,
Your mom likes to tell you otherwise,
I just want you to be all you can,
Live and love and experience life.
It makes me proud to see you skate,
Just the fact that you conquered fear,
Just the fact that you are still here,
Been sick and in the hospital for so long.
Spinal tap by the time you were five days old,
Kidneys shut down at the age of three,
Yearly biopsies, high doses of steroids,
Weekly blood draws and chest port by age five.
In kindergarten you started chemo,
Hair falling out in clumps, never cut before,
You started hiding it under your mattress,
Steroids packed on the pounds, doubled your weight.
All prepared to have the kidneys removed,
Waited for you to go on dialysis,
To go on the transplant list,
Your uncles offered us theirs.
I chopped off my thinning hair,
So you wouldn’t feel so all alone,
We ate hospital food one day out of three,
they saw me so much, thought I was an employee.
One day it just turned around,
Our prayers answered, everything changed,
Our monthly stays at the hospital ceased,
Can’t begin to tell you what that meant.
So this skateboard thing might seem quaint,
But for me it means so much more,
A chance for us to bond, to play in the sun,
A chance to quiet our minds and just be.
I tried meditation, tried karate,
Used to run five miles a day,
The only thing that seems to work,
Is riding on a seven-ply board.
So I give my son this gift,
Zen and the art of skateboarding,
To discover whatever it is inside,
To ride upon the waves of life.
The student will surpass the teacher,
It is only a matter of time,
When he finally lets go,
And releases the shredder inside.
His gift to me is simply his smile,
To see him be, and do, and live,
To push himself and to strive,
To hear life’s sweet song singing in his veins.
The rush of concrete past our feet,
The wind blowing through my sparsely covered head,
The sweat of achievement on my shirt,
The scabs of yesterday’s lessons on my knees.
When all his quiet and we’re alone,
He looks at me and says, “daddy . . .”
Doesn’t really matter what he says,
At that moment I know that I am blessed.

storytime

No one home, empty house sitting alone,
so I go and wash the car,
just before midnight,
didn’t want to go to the bar,
but then Minx was waiting around,
when I finally showed up,
told me we were going to the club.
Didn’t argue, didn’t complain,
hardly ever see my boy these days,
living in another town,
seems like all of us went our separate ways,
so we stood by the street,
waiting for his boy C.O.D.,
to swoop us up in his big white truck.
Bass thumping, people talking,
some dude and ladies I didn’t know,
black hair and brown skin,
actually I think I seen that one before,
working at some store around town,
Anishinaabe, or at least Ojibwe,
stepping out, try to erase my frown.
So Rye and Cor and an Eva Mendez clone,
all rolling with us down the street,
they decide to go to Club 623,
but the place was packed to the gills,
so we wandered over to the Irish pub instead,
C.O.D. leaving to pick up Cece,
we belly up and buy some kinda swill.
Tasted like shigwe, kinda like bile,
the clientele young and hip,
wearing multi-colored tattoos and drunken smiles,
I took over the jukebox with my cuzn’s money,
and of course all the zhaagnosh trying so hard,
to look cool and trying not to stare,
but how often do they see real skins anywhere?
Of course I was sporting my casino tee,
has a nice cut, helps hide my gut,
not trying to advertise, money I’ll never see,
try no to hate, just the way things are,
but everyone just assumes that we all get loot,
just because we were lucky enough,
to come into this world part of some tribe.
Forget what you heard, doesn’t mean a thing,
I don’t get squat and I don’t expect I ever will,
just another brown face in a sea of otherwise,
but for a few short minutes I ran the show,
fed my bills and ordered up some songs,
everyone singing along to music of my choosing,
Weezer, Marley, the Ramones and Al Green,
Johnny Cash, Iron Maiden, even some Queen.
The rest of the crew left and came back,
tried to get into Club 623 one last time,
while my cuzn and I chatted about this and that,
the ladies ordered us to drink up, we fell in line,
Minx told me, “don’t ask, do as you’re told,”
why should I start now, never been one to question,
pretty ladies ordering me, just consider it done.
So we headed back out, stopped at the store,
ran into a couple more skins, hanging out outside,
friends of someone’s, John and Ron, both from G.R.,
so they jumped in with us as well, the more the merrier,
drove down to the Southside to play some pool,
Cece was busy spitting some game, didn’t even notice,
I was just hanging out, having fun, drunken bliss.
The Southside was dead, just lined some drinks up,
slammed Blue Moons, PBR’s and Bud Lights,
had some kamikazes as well, figured what the hell,
then Cece gave me some more of her sob story,
her old man never let her out of his sight,
stay-at-home mom, finally lined up a babysitter,
more and more sounded like she wanted a pinch-hitter.
I took what she said at face value,
walked her over to her sister’s,
even gave her a twenty so she could pay,
twenty minutes, thirty minutes, trickled away,
then some boys started giving me some grief,
“You know where you are? You in the Downs”
smack talking, while circling me all around.
Told them I was just waiting for a friend,
don’t mind me, just doing my thing,
a Detroit boy playing Good Samaritan,
more smack from the capitol city boys,
kept fronting, kept implying and prying,
finally realized that this was a crackhead crew,
finally accepted that I got played by Cece too.
So I walked half a mile down to the MotorLodge,
trying to catch up with Minx and everyone else,
nice little walk, whatever, no big deal,
still can’t believe that little city crew trying to front,
I grew up at 8 Mile and Outer Drive,
you chumps wouldn’t have lasted a day,
but I kept on keeping on, went on my way.
I strolled up to room 129, heard noise from outside,
pow wow stickers all over their rides,
cousin Connie let me in, said hey, “whats up?”
saw Henry sitting on the bed,
Art over on the other,
Mickey and T’s niece chilling with her girls,
and a bunch of other folks I don’t even know,
Henry’s girl was taking my pic,
so he tells me I gotta go.
C.O.D. and Minx showed right back up,
grabbed me and threw me into the truck,
said we were going to the 49 over at Zeke’s,
fine by me, seem to keep running into trouble,
I’m not out looking for anything,
just looking for fun,just too naive,
handing out unwarranted trust,
been burned and used, heart ground into the dust.
So we chilled at Zeke’s until the sun came up,
just kicking back, talking some smack,
nothing else happened of note,
should have went there from the word go,
but it was interesting just the same,
just to see other people in their own domain,
and to remind myself that we humans are insane.
The only difference is what flavor of crazy,
makes you feel most at home,
American Indian, middle-American, collegetown,
the names and faces are interchangeable,
what we do in secret or otherwise,
merely laughable, just humans being human,
laughing and joking on the road to ruin.

more pix

ranney park pix

alive and well

Raise the glass to my sorry ass,
From the far side of the bar,
I stumble across and swipe that smile,
It crumbles and falls to the floor.
Stalking out, drunken louts,
A slap to the face, punch to the head,
Another in self-defense,
Or so I claim, all in vain.
Somehow made it home,
Vaguely remember shouting,
Arguing about six months prior,
Vaguely remember downing the pills.
My heartbeat represented by waves of light,
Went through various levels and rings,
Down to the very last one,
Reddish-orange and strong.
But then it stops, fades into nothing,
The heart beating in my chest,
The beating heart of the sun,
The burning center of the universe.
Still, still, still, echoes into nothingness,
The last beat the loudest of them all,
Echoing into endless tomorrows,
Fading beyond sight and sound.
Eyes half open, breathing labored,
Frothing at the mouth,
Face swollen, overdosed again,
Taken to the car and driven.
Couldn’t concentrate, couldn’t think,
Thoughts just kept going round and round,
Circular motion, endless loop,
Couldn’t finish a single sentence.
I kept repeating the same things,
Over and over and over,
Head spinning, words spinning,
Everything spinning outta control.
They stripped me down in the E.R.,
Hooked me up to I.V.’s,
Catheter to drain my bladder,
I was barely getting enough oxygen.
Ten hours later finally let go,
But I forgot to mention,
I was under close supervision,
And I was let go to another facility.
Telephoned up to use the elevator,
Walked me through double-locked doors,
Into the closed area, no escape,
No laces, no belts, nothing.
Nothing that anyone could use at all,
To harm themselves in any way,
No mirrors, no razors, no scissors,
Not even a TV, just six spare rooms.
Marcus in the padded one, all alone,
Talking to God, who lives in the ceiling,
Gina talking to herself, while wetting her bed,
And Jim—Vietnam Vet—disheveled and gone.
There was also the one-armed man,
Just out of prison, wasted the last ten years,
April with pneumonia, hair like Jim’s,
And Doug, always punching himself.
They fed us well, if you like American food,
Decaffeinated coffee and pop, no smoking,
Starches and canned fruit, drank lots of water,
Ate burgers and cold fries, and whatever else.
I spoke to doctors, nurses, techs,
Even social workers, explained to them,
Just as to everyone else, what happened,
At least what I could remember.
I blamed it on the booze, sent me over the edge,
But that’s not quite half true, less than half,
The fault lies with me, and my petty views,
Taking it out on whomever I choose.
B stayed with me almost all day,
That first long day in the E.R.,
I think I would have lost it otherwise,
No lectures, no anger, just support.
If she had cut me loose, let me go,
Would have fallen apart under lock and key,
She told me it would be all right,
And sometimes hearing that is enough.
I didn’t crumble, I didn’t fade,
Told my story, see how it played,
Pushed for release, little by little,
Put on my best face, blamed the booze.
So they let me go after two days,
Almost unheard of—minimum is three,
But somehow, some way, I stepped out,
And I have to work on fixing my life.
The things that I’ve done to myself,
The beliefs I cling to out of spite,
Somehow some way, she still believes,
Still stands by me, despite all the grief.
Selfishly doing what I selfishly do,
Putting the blame on so many others,
It’s me-it’s me-it’s me-no one else,
Doing these things to me every day.
And still she sticks around, still worries,
Won’t allow me to destroy myself,
Won’t allow me to throw it all away,
Just out of spite, out of anger, fear.
To that list of people I owe,
She is foremost forever more,
Can never repay her in this lifetime,
Might take me a couple, three or four.
I do love you, that I know,
And again, I hurt you beyond reason,
And hurt the children, again,
Seems like I’m only creating pain.
So here we begin anew, another day,
Another view of the same old thing,
But today is different, something changed,
Can no longer keep on staying the same.
I had said that I needed to go on retreat,
To fast or go to the temple and meditate,
It seems like life gave me no choice,
Put me in a place where I had to shut up.
I am free to come and go as I please,
No longer on lockdown, no longer being watched,
Laughing at everything, laughing my self,
Seeing things for the very first time.
Too much wasted time, too many wrong turns,
Living my life the wrong way, waiting for what,
“Do as I say, not as I do,” a negative example,
Try to explain all this to my children and wife.
I forgot to tell you about my dream that fateful night—
Was told to live my life for someone else,
Stop living it only for myself, focus on others,
Before I destroy myself living it as I do.
What’s not to understand, can’t be simpler,
Shut off the noises inside, doubts and paranoia,
Focus on that which is without, open to life,
Experience the here-and-now before it is gone.
Give up my daily meditations on hate,
Of the constant struggle to justify the self,
Live this life and let go of illusion,
Break free of all my delusions,
Make life better for my loved ones,
Before my work on this earth is done,
Toil for those have kept me alive and well,
Through heaven and all my self-made hells.

half-lit

Sliding along the back alley,
Armed with coins and returnable bottles,
Splashing through the flooded parking lot,
Half-lit (me and the lot), bathed in darkness,
Hidden from sight, hidden from self.
Another beer run in the middle of the night,
Stagger through the door, into the store,
Drop off my empties, count my change,
Do the math in my head, deposit plus tax,
Adds almost another buck, do I have enough?
Oh crap, don’t think so--no wait,
Yes I do, shuffle off to the counter,
Try not to make eye contact, don’t know why,
If I act too friendly, they’ll know I’m fried,
I come here too often, they see me all the time.
I’m a solitary drunk, I like to drink alone,
No witnesses to my stupidity, no one to remind,
Drown my sorrows, bury my regrets,
Some drink for fun, I drink to forget,
Past, present and things not even done yet.
The first drink is to alleviate the pain,
To help me forget, to clear my brain,
But then the alcohol takes over,
Feeding itself, growing ever larger,
Barreling off the tracks like a freight train.
Crash after crash, it’s all the same,
Bottles littering the kitchen, beer dripping,
Leaking onto the tiles, onto old newspapers,
Sticky sweetness oozing into my pores,
As I drag my calloused feet across the floor.
Emotional rollercoaster day-to-day,
Hung-over, exhausted, taste of bile on lips,
Throat burning, stomach churning,
Caffeine overload to clear my head,
Half-awake, half-alive, half-asleep, half-dead.
I’m writing checks that will never clear,
Spending money that’s not mine,
Carrying everyone else’s fair share,
Doing everybody else’s work,
Running everything and myself into the dirt.
When backed into a corner, I adjust my paradigm,
Lower my expectations, of myself and everyone else,
Any lower and I’ll be on the floor, backed into the wall.
I lied to myself, said none of that mattered,
But now here I am, psyche utterly shattered,
Playing someone else’s game with unfamiliar rules,
What do I do now, where do I turn,
How many more lessons must I learn?
Sanity is slipping away, losing my grip,
Walking the razor’s edge, sliced myself open,
Alcohol-addled brain, overtaken, overcome,
Where was it that I had hoped to go,
Did I really believe I was in control?

little wildflower

Twelve years ago today, she came into my life,
Gave me a shock, a start, didn’t know what to expect,
We thought she might be a girl, but at the moment of birth,
I forgot to breathe, scared and shocked, surprised,
Knew for sure, and everything suddenly changed.
Up until that moment, it was a man’s world,
Only thought of me and Z, my oldest boy,
Scorched earth policy, search and destroy,
Breaking hearts and taking names, nothing else,
But then Nan showed up and changed it all.
She broke my heart, from the very start,
Payback for all the wrongs committed,
Vindication for womankind at my expense,
All the hearts broken along the way,
Paid back to me on that very day.
So many memories, so many stories,
She quickly became daddy’s little girl,
Which she will remain forever more,
Taught me to see life through different eyes,
She was so little, but yet so loving and so wise.
She saved my life in more ways than one,
I remember once when a car hit our house,
I should have been standing right there,
But she insisted that I read her another book,
So I stayed and read, instead of eating wood.
The car blew out the whole side of the house,
A big hole where the wall once stood,
Window gone, cabinets flung, dishes smashed,
The corner barely there, barely holding on,
In our red house, on the busy street by the university.
Feisty little girl gave herself a nickname,
At the age of two-and-a-half, stomping her foot,
Sick of being called “baby,” or beebz,
Headstrong just like her momma,
Calling the shots from the very start.
Then at four, she decided she wanted to run,
Didn’t want to run the kid’s race,
Wanted to run the 5-k, so she did,
And kept running them, for years after,
Until she decided to do something else.
Everything seems to come so easy,
Playing soccer, skateboarding, whatever,
Even school, flew right through elementary,
Getting nothing but A’s, just cruising through,
I’ve told her more than once, I wish I could be like you.
So compassionate and sweet, such a gift,
Always doting on her brother when he was sick,
Spending time with him at the hospital,
Empathetic and caring, didn’t get that from me,
Leading by example, showing us how to be.
She fasted for her jingle dress, at a young age,
Didn’t shirk the responsibility, did it with grace,
And when she dances, does it old school,
Just like the ladies from Whitefish Bay,
Not too flashy, dances the old-fashioned way.
My Nan isn’t perfect, but none of us are,
But for us, as a family, she raises the bar,
Much loved, much treasured, she is the best,
She’s my little baby girl, twelve years of age,
Our little wildflower, my little babe.
This is just a silly little poem,
Just a little something for my Nan,
To show her what she means to me,
Just some ramblings, chock full of typos,
For my most favorite person, but she already knows.

heart of the earth

Nothing went as planned,
But everything went as it should,
At least I suppose, so I guess,
Sometimes our expectations are too much,
And need to be cut off at the knees.
We ventured over toward Battle River,
Across the upper isthmus,
Through the national forests,
Beyond copper country, iron country,
To the Lake of the Ojibwes.
Kii-gitchii-gaamii, Lake Superior,
Medicine lodge on the red cliff,
Fifty feet above the beach,
Frigid waters lapping at the sand,
Soaked my skate shoes unexpectedly.
Ninety degrees here at home,
In the land of the little big Chief,
Kii-ogiimaas, along the Red Cedar River,
Ten hour drive north by north west,
Drove into thunderstorms and cool weather.
Had a frigid reception, visitors from Manitoba,
Western lodge of the Aanishinaabe, the People,
With their western ways, insistent, cajoling,
Slapping skirts on their women,
Told me “no shorts in the lodge.”
Where were they fifteen years ago,
When we buried my daughter’s namesake,
Mishomis’ daughter, just down the road,
Where were they in the lean years,
When no one but our families showed?
In search of zhooniya, I went to their casino,
No such luck, not this time around,
Went to Ashland, to see their skatepark,
Metal monstrosity, quick-fixed to pavement,
No concrete, no bowls, no flow.
Z-man made a decision, made a stand,
Did what felt right, argued for time,
The kids and I played on the red clay,
Climbing the cliffs, way too high,
Lake obscured by fog, blocking the sun.
Their Uncle Paul flew in from Phoenix,
His brown little baby girl in tow,
Mohawk from outside Montreal,
Grew up in Detroit, schooled in Cali,
Worlds away from where we met.
Things are as they are, will become,
Just good enough to see my old friend,
Proud new papa, standing knee deep in clay,
Babies climbing up and sliding down,
Oblivious to everything but the moment.
My babygirl on the cusp of turning twelve,
Oldest boy almost fifteen, baby almost five,
Many miles traveled from then to now,
Remember when we were children,
Trying to find our voice, our way?
We’re there standing on the beach,
Talking about our yesterdays,
Dreaming about our tomorrows,
Déjà vu and premonition at the same,
Paul still so mellow, me looking for trouble.
Dropped my anger the moment we spoke,
Red clay and water in my shoes,
Forgot about the lodge and their silly rules,
Continue building on what is truly of worth,
Friends and family, in the heart of the earth.