7.14

I just got up from the table and walked out,
Didn’t say a word to anyone,
Didn’t even turn to look when my son yelled for me,
Just kept walking away from the Tim Horton’s,
Hungry and thirsty from the early morning swim,
Sick and tired of everything,
Sick and tired of the whining and bitching,
Disappearing into the apartment complex,
Then skirting the drainage ditch just beyond,
Walking through the tall weeds toward the soccer fields,
I hit the bike trail in full stride never once looking back.

Hatless and wearing a black shirt in 90 degree weather,
I was soon covered in sweat as I pounded down the asphalt,
Bikers and joggers eyeing me warily as they passed,
Apartments and offices soon gave way to open fields,
A small stream hid off to my right,
Down a steep heavily wooded bank,
I could hear bullfrogs proclaiming their supremacy,
I was running away again just like a child,
Maybe I should just keep running this time,
Just disappear into the haze and never return,
Just keep walking from town to town.

I never even wanted to go to MP,
Too much drama too much angst,
Just heard about a murder/suicide,
The murder was a case of mistaken identity,
The funeral for the rape/murder victim is tomorrow,
And I heard the neighbors found her in the yard,
Thinking it was a mannequin,
Rigor mortis distorting her form,
Her 79-year-old grandfather sent into shock,
Shockwaves rippling through the community,
And Little Man still AWOL since last week.

Life begins with so much promise for all of us,
Then fades away to emptiness right before our eyes,
All the things we thought we believed in,
Turns out to be nothing but half-truths and lies,
Myingan tells me Ivy, the victim, was just over at the house,
Early last week visiting his woman and their baby,
And now she is just a memory and nothing more,
Lying in her coffin like a mannequin once again,
Fresh out of chances and whatever else,
Just a crazy story for people to tell their kids,
About the haunted house over on Ojibway Dr.

Just give me the word and we’ll run away,
We’ll just hit the road and see where the wind takes us,
But I’ve got some baggage I need to bring along,
Just a couple of things to drag me down,
A little self-hate and self-doubt to keep me company,
A little something to help me kill the time,
As time kills me ever so slowly every moment,
Waiting for the final one when I breathe no more,
Cold lifeless body rotting away waiting to burn,
All the broken hearts I’ll leave behind,
All the promises I never intended to keep.

I will let you down just like everyone else,
I will hurt you given the chance,
There is nothing left inside this empty shell,
The breath of life wasted on me,
I would call but I don’t want to hear your voice,
It gives me hope when I know hope isn’t enough,
Makes me want when I know that it won’t help,
All the damage that I’ve done to myself,
Can’t be undone no matter what,
Just wasting away the days until I die,
All hope is gone, all hope is dead.

I’m all thought out with nothing left to say,
Spent five miles stewing about everything,
An hour plus along bikes trails and sidewalks,
Feet killing me in my 10-year-old Nikes,
Sun burnt head starting to burn,
I stumble into Aladdin’s to eat falafel,
The A/C hits me just through the door,
And I order more food than I’ll ever eat,
Double-fisting ice water and Mt. Dew,
Staring out the window at the parking lot,
Mind blank and quiet for the moment.

What is love what is life,
Just a mystery to me,
A part of the Great Mystery, Gitchii Manidoo,
Manitou: spirit/mystery, somehow becomes God,
What is it that we pray to then,
But the great unknown and unnamed,
Christians insisted upon a patriarchy,
Hierarchical authority amidst the void,
To control and cajole what we can’t grasp,
But it is sexless formless egoless void,
It is and it isn’t at the same time.

But why is my life as it is,
What choices have I made or refused to make,
How did I get to where I am,
Why do I choose to torture myself,
All good questions with few answers,
None of them easy or plain,
So I pound myself into the ground,
Annihilate my senses with drink and sweat,
And hope for a happy outcome somehow,
Despite the fact that I deserve nothing of the kind,
Spinning my wheels and wasting my time.

My mind gets unhinged in the night,
Phantom fears and worries pile up,
Otherwise I feel dead all of the time,
Another’s death brings me back to reality,
Reminds me of how close we all are,
To our final moments and final chances,
But none of this brings me any closer to you,
And none of that matters to anyone else,
But you’ve got your own issues as well,
None of which I can help you with,
So powerless I will remain.

Nothing else left to say,
Stuck in a holding pattern for some time,
The wanting and needing never goes away,
Know that you are buried deep inside me,
Just need to let the words flow,
Write down the bones and see what happens,
Need to learn to just let go,
But need to steer my life in some kind of way,
Stop hoping for things to turn out right,
Stop trying to waste away my days,
Before I convince myself that it is too late.